It's Hogmanay 2016. There are only a few hours left of this year. The sun is setting over the Melbourne skyline and below me in the city people are getting ready to party and welcome in 2017.
I'm in Peter Mac hospital, I've been here all day with Scott and the kids will be travelling in to the city soon to join us 'see in the bells' together. We should hopefully have an excellent view of the city fireworks yet avoid the crush of the city centre. We should have a vantage point for the Docklands fireworks to our right and the city to our left. Always looking for the brighter side of life , when I gathered the children yesterday afternoon to explain that Dad needs to be in hospital for a few days we realised we could still all celebrate New Year together ( permission permitting ...which was absolutely not a problem...with doctors and nurses checking out our vantage point).
We, as a family , have had reason to celebrate this year. We became Australian citizens, we dared to dream of a fabulous family trip and had just that in June/ July when we went to Tasmania. We 'did' Deb and survived! We squeezed in a trip to Scotland and did so much in 6 tiny days...we certainly experienced more than 6 days worth of love and laughter in that time...love and laughter that has buoyed us many times in past 6 months.
We've learned new words...(one of my favourites is vesicant) We've met new people. We've experienced more than we had hoped for. We have experienced much kindness...we've experienced much numpty-ness but we just inwardly tut and move on. We've experienced much love and realised the power of a hug ( just NOT on a hot day please!) . We have all probably experienced more inner strength than we knew we had.
We also have experienced utter sadness, disappointment, worry, concern, anticipatory grief , confrontation after confrontation ...the whole journey is so confronting. But we take life a day at a time and just keep on keeping on because that is sometimes all we can do.
Scott has had a very poorly week but is now in the right place and being treated ( like really treated...meals on a tray and films on a laptop!) we've had thorough discussions with doctors and been listened to. The ability to listen isn't necessarily a pre-requisite for medical school although I think it should be.
We are grateful for the love and support we have from friends and family in all directions of this world. So from our family , as the sun sets on 2016 and the city sparkles in the night we wish you all happiness for 2017. Wish that you have someone or something to love and be loved by. That you have laughter in your lives ...or at the very least a smile every day.
Happy New Year when it comes x
#livelaughandlove
Saturday, 31 December 2016
Saturday, 24 December 2016
Merry and bright
Today is Christmas Day 2016.
Almost 6 months ago we were told Scott's cancer was incurable. I asked through snots and tears if we would have Christmas together and that's when it was suggested that we celebrate earlier. We did . In August , when it was cold and dark and sparkly with winter frost. We celebrated with friends. We did an advent countdown. We ate a traditional Christmas dinner. We exchanged gifts. Tree was decorated ( and then only partially dismantled!) candles were lit. Blessings were counted. Carols were sung. Mince pies were made and eaten.
We were told to do this, not because Scott wouldn't be with us but because Scott's condition may have changed . Four months on and advent countdown has been done photo journal style. Christmas trees are sparkling with fairy lights, we have caught up with friends, carols have again been sung with gusto ( I do love my Christmas music) , schmaltzy Christmas movies watched and enjoyed, blessings counted again. I was recently told that I am surrounded in a bubble of love, I would agree ...(was also recently told by an almost stranger that I'm very detached...what does she know?). Christmas cards were written and signed by all our names....my husband warned not to go anywhere until my cards were sent...the envelopes were already stamped! Mince pies were once more baked and eaten and eaten by only Fiona and I ( so it's just as well Christmas only comes twice a year) and cakes were made and shared with friends.
But to add to this has been a full on month of hospital appointments. We are lucky to have such a good medical team looking after us. We are trying to get pain levels under control. The nature and position of Scott's tumour is on nerve endings and travelling as it has grown along nerve pathways which cause horrid neuropathic pains which shoot across his face at random. Horrid to watch and absolutely horrid for him to experience. Scott's energy levels depleted at times so no trips into the City this year doing festive things...only trips into the city are visits to hospital. Friends came to us rather than meeting up with them. Friends have kindly brought gifts of love ...usually in the form of food! Food is love , right? We are very grateful that these people are in our lives.
Today , Christmas Day 2016 , Scott has been knocked for six by the effects of his chemotherapy. He is sleeping . We are mooching around trying to find a cool place to be. We are used to being quiet when he's feeling unwell. We are used to him being unwell. We take each day as it comes....we celebrate the good ones, we get through the not so good ones and look forward to tomorrow being another day. The dog has been walked, he has enjoyed playing with his new toys ( you can never have too many balls ,can you Haggis?) and he has had fun cooling down in his paddling pool in the garden. We shall eat later...salad. Pavlova or trifle for pud. We shall eat under the aircon....too hot to eat outside. We shall eat all together as our family of five, we shall laugh, we shall talk, we shall wear silly hats out of crackers ( called Bon Bons here), we shall groan at cracker jokes. We shall , each in our own way, be grateful that we are all here together.
We all wish you a Merry Christmas and hope that it's everything you wish for.
Almost 6 months ago we were told Scott's cancer was incurable. I asked through snots and tears if we would have Christmas together and that's when it was suggested that we celebrate earlier. We did . In August , when it was cold and dark and sparkly with winter frost. We celebrated with friends. We did an advent countdown. We ate a traditional Christmas dinner. We exchanged gifts. Tree was decorated ( and then only partially dismantled!) candles were lit. Blessings were counted. Carols were sung. Mince pies were made and eaten.
We were told to do this, not because Scott wouldn't be with us but because Scott's condition may have changed . Four months on and advent countdown has been done photo journal style. Christmas trees are sparkling with fairy lights, we have caught up with friends, carols have again been sung with gusto ( I do love my Christmas music) , schmaltzy Christmas movies watched and enjoyed, blessings counted again. I was recently told that I am surrounded in a bubble of love, I would agree ...(was also recently told by an almost stranger that I'm very detached...what does she know?). Christmas cards were written and signed by all our names....my husband warned not to go anywhere until my cards were sent...the envelopes were already stamped! Mince pies were once more baked and eaten and eaten by only Fiona and I ( so it's just as well Christmas only comes twice a year) and cakes were made and shared with friends.
But to add to this has been a full on month of hospital appointments. We are lucky to have such a good medical team looking after us. We are trying to get pain levels under control. The nature and position of Scott's tumour is on nerve endings and travelling as it has grown along nerve pathways which cause horrid neuropathic pains which shoot across his face at random. Horrid to watch and absolutely horrid for him to experience. Scott's energy levels depleted at times so no trips into the City this year doing festive things...only trips into the city are visits to hospital. Friends came to us rather than meeting up with them. Friends have kindly brought gifts of love ...usually in the form of food! Food is love , right? We are very grateful that these people are in our lives.
Today , Christmas Day 2016 , Scott has been knocked for six by the effects of his chemotherapy. He is sleeping . We are mooching around trying to find a cool place to be. We are used to being quiet when he's feeling unwell. We are used to him being unwell. We take each day as it comes....we celebrate the good ones, we get through the not so good ones and look forward to tomorrow being another day. The dog has been walked, he has enjoyed playing with his new toys ( you can never have too many balls ,can you Haggis?) and he has had fun cooling down in his paddling pool in the garden. We shall eat later...salad. Pavlova or trifle for pud. We shall eat under the aircon....too hot to eat outside. We shall eat all together as our family of five, we shall laugh, we shall talk, we shall wear silly hats out of crackers ( called Bon Bons here), we shall groan at cracker jokes. We shall , each in our own way, be grateful that we are all here together.
We all wish you a Merry Christmas and hope that it's everything you wish for.
Wednesday, 23 November 2016
Thankfulness
Today is Thanksgiving Day ...now whilst ostensibly an American tradition and certainly not a Scotian/ Australian one , today we are adopting it in our household and being thankful for what we have and a chance to use up pumpkins and sweet potates!
I've had a touch of blog writers block, quite often not terribly much to write and then when I do it's hard to find the right words. So today I am going to concentrate on what we do have to be thankful for.
This week we've spent 3 days at Peter Mac....we have met and chatted with such lovely, kind and caring people and whilst their news hasn't been great it's been delivered in a kind and thoughtful way. We've enjoyed the craic with what's seemed like an Irish nurse invasion yesterday which was lovely. I am thankful to each and every one of them that delivers their care to Scott in a manner of respect, kindness , consideration and often humour. It's good to still be able to smile.
I am thankful for our much cooler and wetter Melbourne weather....we went from 38o on Monday to 14o on Tuesday. I may be in the minority of preferring wet and cold but 38o is truly horrid. Poor Fiona had her birthday and we just languished in the heat, promised birthday dinner finally made on Wednesday night and birthday dinner was ordered by app and delivered with a very loud knock at the door ( doorbell still doesn't work).
I am thankful that it is so almost and within touching distance ....school holidays. 2 full days left for Isla but because she is a 2017 school leader she has to go back in over next 2 weeks and introduce the new pupils of 2017 around....bet she never thought of that in her inspiring vote for me speech! I am thankful that uniforms shall be out of sight and out of mind for 8 weeks. I am always thankful that her amazing school is a place of inspiration and achievement ....I am very thankful exams are over!
I am thankful for my dog...everyday I look at him and am so glad we chose him and all his funny ways. He is on a diet...vets orders! He has to lose 4kg and is currently about to embark on week 2 of starvation ( he's a Labrador ...they are always starving!) . Those big, brown , feed me mum eyes...it's been as hard for us as it is for you Haggis. Honestly..He just knows when one of us needs a cuddle. Is usually very gentle with Scott and will clamber up delicately ( as delicately as a slightly overweight Labrador can) and lay a head down on a lap.
I am always thankful for my family. My world. I am thankful that we have each other and are living in the here and now and 'what's for dinner ? ' is a genuine daily concern for Ruaraidh. I am thankful that we have this time to be together and can still laugh and tease each other and that hugs abound ...though not on a hot day...those are air hug days! ' oh, you are sweaty!' is never a compliment! I am thankful that they all have jobs and that school / uni is almost done and summer lies ahead ....just not too hot, please! I am thankful that no matter what lies ahead for us as a family we will go through it together.
I am thankful that my marriage is a happy one. We don't get a happy ever after ending but we do get all the bits in between. He is my inspiration. We are about to start on a new chemotherapy treatment and have been told that Scott's hair may grow back! Chemotherapy is palliative , to slow things down , to give us more time. It's not a cure. It comes with a list of potential side effects and instructions to put the toilet lid down when you flush....pee will be cytotoxic! I am thankful that we have this time together. I have recently given up work to make the most of this time. I won't ever get this time back so it's important to me to spend it with Scott and my family. I've gone back 13 years to full time mum...so that makes me around 34 ...I shall take that!
I am always, always grateful to support from friends and family , near and far. Without encouragement , friendship, love , a listening ear this whole journey would have been much harder. Often people don't know what to say but just to say ' it's crap!' ( or words to that effect ) is often enough. Sometimes people say the most ( in my view) inappropriate and stupid things and I wish they'd shut up and just stop with the talking....but I supoose I should be thankful they care enough to say something....anything....random crappy platitudes!
So Happy Thanksgiving one and all....I have a dog to go and feed breakfast to. His first favourite meal of the day!
#thanks
#merci
#dankeschon
#taverymuch
Wednesday, 2 November 2016
Care-ful
I was reminded ( by my husband) this morning that I've not blogged in a while, just getting on with life really and I don't always have anything particularly exciting to write about!
I'm recovering from surgery on Monday and as Scott is feeling very poorly from last week's fifth chemo cycle I am not receiving the care and attention I had hoped for. I had planned on languishing on a sofa and having grapes peeled for me and drinks served with a straw ...strangely this has not happened. Instead Scott is languishing on a sofa and having drinks with a straw and I have been peeling his oranges!
I don't particularly like not being in control or independent. I'm not allowed to drive for 2 weeks or lift anything heavy, do anything strenuous so feeling slightly frustrated at my inability. I have just done an online supermarket shop ....with instructions to knock on the front door loudly as the door bell doesn't work! The time it took to manoeuvre round the online site I could have nipped out to the supermarket and had the groceries unpacked in my cupboards!
I have written a list of please do these chores for my fully grown children but they are either at school/ doing an exam for uni or supposed to be doing an essay for uni and I know that although the things will be done at some point today they won't be done immediately and I will be further frustrated! I shall just have to practice the art of being a patient patient.
I know I have to look after myself, take care of me , sit on my backside for longer than I normally do but when you are very used to being the person who does for others , who just does....it's hard to slow down and stop.
Twice, in the last few weeks I have been described as my husband's carer. The first 3 weeks ago when I was invited to afternoon tea to celebrate National Carers Week at our palliative care centre. The invitation upset me ( but everything that week upset me) , I don't think of myself as Scott's carer. I am Scott's wife ( and admittedly I do care about him !) I wasn't going to go but there was a lovely photo of a scone with jam and cream on the front so ever hopeful I went along. Having phoned and left a voicemail accepting the invite , I took it the name badge with MARGEE typed on it was for me...Australians don't always pick up on Mhaggie , they hear Margy , I then say Mhaggie ( the H is silent) , they say yes Margy...I say no R.....this goes on until one of us is exhausted and admits defeat! So with my name badge on and MARGEE scored out I went into the scone and jam and cream room ( loads of them!) . There were more scones than there were people. There were also more widows than there were wives! Myself and another lady Judy , were the only ones who had not been recently bereaved. I found this so distressing. There were tears. There were laughs. There were smiles and then more tears. From all of us. There were leftover scones that came home with me.
The second time I was described as my husband's carer was in Monday as I came round fromanaesthetic. I was very distressed as I came round as I remembered how ill Scott was and how difficult it was leaving him on Monday morning to go to hospital. Every morning my first thought is with him and every night my last thought is with him so to come out of an anaesthetic, very befuddled and woozy and to remember just felt like a bad dream but unfortunately a real bad dream. The nurse could see that I was upset and was concerned. We'd already done analgesia, switched from horrid big mask to nasal prongs, I'd assured her that no the light wasn't too bright yet still I was upset. I then said my husband's not well....ah yes, you are your husband's carer aren't you? When the time came for me to go up to the ward , she handed over to a lovely nurse and said Mhaggie is her husband's carer ....she is upset....plus blah, blah, blah what I'd had donee.
I don't want to be identified as my husband's carer. I don't want to be called MARGEE...(.screams no R!)...I just want to be Scott's wife who cares very muchly. I want him to get better soon as this being poorly nonsense has went on long enough...I want my grapes peeled , my shopping delivered and the list of chores done pronto!
#frustrated
#toomuchtoask?
I'm recovering from surgery on Monday and as Scott is feeling very poorly from last week's fifth chemo cycle I am not receiving the care and attention I had hoped for. I had planned on languishing on a sofa and having grapes peeled for me and drinks served with a straw ...strangely this has not happened. Instead Scott is languishing on a sofa and having drinks with a straw and I have been peeling his oranges!
I don't particularly like not being in control or independent. I'm not allowed to drive for 2 weeks or lift anything heavy, do anything strenuous so feeling slightly frustrated at my inability. I have just done an online supermarket shop ....with instructions to knock on the front door loudly as the door bell doesn't work! The time it took to manoeuvre round the online site I could have nipped out to the supermarket and had the groceries unpacked in my cupboards!
I have written a list of please do these chores for my fully grown children but they are either at school/ doing an exam for uni or supposed to be doing an essay for uni and I know that although the things will be done at some point today they won't be done immediately and I will be further frustrated! I shall just have to practice the art of being a patient patient.
I know I have to look after myself, take care of me , sit on my backside for longer than I normally do but when you are very used to being the person who does for others , who just does....it's hard to slow down and stop.
Twice, in the last few weeks I have been described as my husband's carer. The first 3 weeks ago when I was invited to afternoon tea to celebrate National Carers Week at our palliative care centre. The invitation upset me ( but everything that week upset me) , I don't think of myself as Scott's carer. I am Scott's wife ( and admittedly I do care about him !) I wasn't going to go but there was a lovely photo of a scone with jam and cream on the front so ever hopeful I went along. Having phoned and left a voicemail accepting the invite , I took it the name badge with MARGEE typed on it was for me...Australians don't always pick up on Mhaggie , they hear Margy , I then say Mhaggie ( the H is silent) , they say yes Margy...I say no R.....this goes on until one of us is exhausted and admits defeat! So with my name badge on and MARGEE scored out I went into the scone and jam and cream room ( loads of them!) . There were more scones than there were people. There were also more widows than there were wives! Myself and another lady Judy , were the only ones who had not been recently bereaved. I found this so distressing. There were tears. There were laughs. There were smiles and then more tears. From all of us. There were leftover scones that came home with me.
The second time I was described as my husband's carer was in Monday as I came round fromanaesthetic. I was very distressed as I came round as I remembered how ill Scott was and how difficult it was leaving him on Monday morning to go to hospital. Every morning my first thought is with him and every night my last thought is with him so to come out of an anaesthetic, very befuddled and woozy and to remember just felt like a bad dream but unfortunately a real bad dream. The nurse could see that I was upset and was concerned. We'd already done analgesia, switched from horrid big mask to nasal prongs, I'd assured her that no the light wasn't too bright yet still I was upset. I then said my husband's not well....ah yes, you are your husband's carer aren't you? When the time came for me to go up to the ward , she handed over to a lovely nurse and said Mhaggie is her husband's carer ....she is upset....plus blah, blah, blah what I'd had donee.
I don't want to be identified as my husband's carer. I don't want to be called MARGEE...(.screams no R!)...I just want to be Scott's wife who cares very muchly. I want him to get better soon as this being poorly nonsense has went on long enough...I want my grapes peeled , my shopping delivered and the list of chores done pronto!
#frustrated
#toomuchtoask?
Monday, 3 October 2016
Melting Point...
This morning I had a bit of an emotional meltdown in the oncologist's room. It was really just a continuation of an emotional meltdown that had been slowly unravelling since we last saw the oncologist . Lovely but terribly honest man. I told him this morning that I thought being given a terminal diagnosis was the worst part ...turns out it's not.
I'm writing this in the Chemotherapy Day Unit at Peter Mac, surrounded by the lulling whirs and beeps of machines and comings and goings of staff and patients. One of the nurses we've met a few times went past before and said 'how are you? ' 'Great' , I replied cheerfully....thinking inwardly 'Really Mhags, really? '
Today we were finding out the results of Scott's latest CT scan. We were finding out whether chemotherapy was being effective as a palliative measure. We were finding out if it was worth doing any more chemotherapy. We were finding out if there was any spread of cancer. We were finding out if things were worse. We were finding out just how emotionally tolerant I am....the answer to that is not very. The answers to the others ...this may be the last chemo of this kind we do, the tumour is still there (it was never going to be going anywhere in particular but it's not grown and it's not spread) it might not be worse but it's certainly not any better. Chemotherapy carries its own risks and side effects which can outweigh its positive effects so this is most likely the last one we do...the other 2 cycles that were planned may be just too toxic for Scott.
We've to continue living our lives to our best ability. We've done so much in past 3 months since re-diagnosis...been to Marks and Spencer's, climbed bridges, seen kangaroos up close, said good morning to koalas at Taronga Zoo from the outside of zoo, saved an echidna's life on the Hume Highway ( I just hope it wasn't squished crossing the other side) , been loved by a Labrador, done all the day to day normal stuff...work, groceries, dog walking, gardening, housework (that'll be me! ) , it's just punctuated by medical stuff. Normal still goes on; essays , assignments , homework still have to be done. The commute to work still needs to be driven, the relentless quest of what's for dinner ( steak pie and roast potatoes and parsnips tonight..all pre-prepared) goes on and on...
As long as no one minds me sobbing in a corner...I'm fairly discreet , we shall keep on keeping on.
I'm writing this in the Chemotherapy Day Unit at Peter Mac, surrounded by the lulling whirs and beeps of machines and comings and goings of staff and patients. One of the nurses we've met a few times went past before and said 'how are you? ' 'Great' , I replied cheerfully....thinking inwardly 'Really Mhags, really? '
Today we were finding out the results of Scott's latest CT scan. We were finding out whether chemotherapy was being effective as a palliative measure. We were finding out if it was worth doing any more chemotherapy. We were finding out if there was any spread of cancer. We were finding out if things were worse. We were finding out just how emotionally tolerant I am....the answer to that is not very. The answers to the others ...this may be the last chemo of this kind we do, the tumour is still there (it was never going to be going anywhere in particular but it's not grown and it's not spread) it might not be worse but it's certainly not any better. Chemotherapy carries its own risks and side effects which can outweigh its positive effects so this is most likely the last one we do...the other 2 cycles that were planned may be just too toxic for Scott.
We've to continue living our lives to our best ability. We've done so much in past 3 months since re-diagnosis...been to Marks and Spencer's, climbed bridges, seen kangaroos up close, said good morning to koalas at Taronga Zoo from the outside of zoo, saved an echidna's life on the Hume Highway ( I just hope it wasn't squished crossing the other side) , been loved by a Labrador, done all the day to day normal stuff...work, groceries, dog walking, gardening, housework (that'll be me! ) , it's just punctuated by medical stuff. Normal still goes on; essays , assignments , homework still have to be done. The commute to work still needs to be driven, the relentless quest of what's for dinner ( steak pie and roast potatoes and parsnips tonight..all pre-prepared) goes on and on...
As long as no one minds me sobbing in a corner...I'm fairly discreet , we shall keep on keeping on.
Sunday, 18 September 2016
A tale of two tanzanites
We are currently just guddling on with the living part of my living, loving and laughing mantra. Life continues quite normally at the moment with work, school. University, dog walks, daily dilemma of what's for dinner? Occasional forays into the land of hospital, all shiny and bright. There is very much a sense of normality these past few weeks which in itself feels strange.
A strange sense of perhaps complacency had came over me , my husband , who may have lost his fine head of hair but who has gained an appetite ( not seen since 2012) has been actually well. Chemotherapy oddly seems to agree with him. He's been climbing national icons, been eating for both Scotland an Australia and has had more energy than we've seen for a while. So I may be forgiven to being lulled into a sense of emotional security. There were no actual tears for a whole week. (As someone made up of 95% emotion , that is actually miraculous)
Then we saw our oncologist last week. I've not stopped crying since. The tears sneak up on me ...ninja tears. We knew chemotherapy was never a cure, we knew it was always palliative and it seems to be doing a good palliative job. Our oncologist is lovely , I don't know if they all are but ours is. He is kind, he is gentle , he is very clever , he has a sense of humour, I like him . He is also very honest. The first time we met him, I asked him to be honest. He said he would never be anything but honest. Oh dear. Honesty hurts. I sat in his office and cried for the first time in a whole week.
Cancer you are so bloody crappy.
So we carry on with living to our best capacity, we have so many good things still to do do, we have plans of places to go, people to see. There's a dog to be walked and children to grow up some more. There are so many more what's for dinners and puddings to be baked to satisfy Mr Hungry all the time. There are moments to be treasured and laughs to be had.
I recently chose a beautiful ring to celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary. Two tanzanites ( as there's two of us) and diamonds ( just because....I'm worth it) , they are designed in a twist. I wanted to wear it on my left ring finger. There lay a dilemma. For past 14 years I've worn a diamond eternity ring as my original wedding band had been cut off . Scott's also had been cut off ....his due to injury , mine due to chocolate. They had had been sitting together in a jewellery box for many years. So , I approached a local independant jeweller and asked if they could be melted down together and reformed to fit around my new ring. Of course, for a price, they could be. So I picked up my new from old wedding ring on Saturday, it fits perfectly on my finger and around my new ring. I'm glad the rings we chose over 24 years are together on my finger and not languishing in a box anymore.
Still living, loving and laughing in amongst tears
#shinebrightlikeadiamond
Thursday, 18 August 2016
Happiest of Anniversaries 💜💜💜
Tomorrow will be 20th August 2016, our 24th wedding anniversary. It will probably be the last one we get to celebrate together...I will be at work and Scott will probably ( hopefully) have a long lie and restful day. We are having lunch together on Sunday as a family and I'm looking forward to that.
So, we won't make silver but we do get to make it to Tanzanite which I think is an achievement. I love being married, I always have and I love being married to Scott , he is by far my favourite husband. Even on our first date in 1988 I knew I would marry him and look...I was right ...again!
In August 1992 , it had lashed with rain all month but after early showers it dried up enough for us to get to church dry, have photos taken at Dean Castle, drive to Fenwick Hotel and then it absolutely lashed later on. We had vintage cars and a vintage bus called ' Maggie's Bus' ( from 'Take The High Road') , we had fresh flowers , we had immediate family and lots of friends to join us and celebrate our day. We had laughter, we had love and we had a life of living to do together.
We had our first flat with its tiny kitchen and even tinier bathroom ( turquoise bath! ) , we had no central heating and used to take it in turns to get out of bed to switch the immersor on to heat water ...it was freezing! We had fun in that first flat and enjoyed making it ours...central heating a must! We brought Ruaraidh home there but with a Fiona soon on the way we needed to look for a bigger house.
A very short stay in Galston, loved the house but not the town for us and moved back to Kilmarnock within 18 months and our home for next 9 years. By this time Isla had joined us and completed our family of 5. Scott had started travelling with work in that time and this was hard at times but he always came home to us and we enjoyed the benefits of airmiles! Him coming home was always something to be looked forward to. Luckily technology had brought us Internet and mobile phones in this time! We could keep in constant touch. We then had a move to a bigger house...our forever home ( so we thought! ) , which I chose as Scott was in Australia ...I just had to phone him, describe it to him and he just had to trust I'd choose well!
By the time we had been married for 18 years we knew we were moving to Melbourne, to start a new life adventure as a family. We have had great times here, we've had difficult times here but we've had each other and that's all we can ask for ! We have hard times ahead but we will do it together. We have and are lucky to have 24 years of marriage to look back on and whatever time we have together to look forward to. We have been blessed with three fabulous children ...they've been blessed with a fabulous mum and dad (#justsaying- they will read this! ) and we are so fortunate to have each other and to live our lives side by side together every day.
Happy 24th anniversary Scott...you chose well 😍 ( apparently tanzanites and diamonds go well together ...#justsaying )
Always living, definitely loving and doing my best to keep laughing !
So, we won't make silver but we do get to make it to Tanzanite which I think is an achievement. I love being married, I always have and I love being married to Scott , he is by far my favourite husband. Even on our first date in 1988 I knew I would marry him and look...I was right ...again!
In August 1992 , it had lashed with rain all month but after early showers it dried up enough for us to get to church dry, have photos taken at Dean Castle, drive to Fenwick Hotel and then it absolutely lashed later on. We had vintage cars and a vintage bus called ' Maggie's Bus' ( from 'Take The High Road') , we had fresh flowers , we had immediate family and lots of friends to join us and celebrate our day. We had laughter, we had love and we had a life of living to do together.
We had our first flat with its tiny kitchen and even tinier bathroom ( turquoise bath! ) , we had no central heating and used to take it in turns to get out of bed to switch the immersor on to heat water ...it was freezing! We had fun in that first flat and enjoyed making it ours...central heating a must! We brought Ruaraidh home there but with a Fiona soon on the way we needed to look for a bigger house.
A very short stay in Galston, loved the house but not the town for us and moved back to Kilmarnock within 18 months and our home for next 9 years. By this time Isla had joined us and completed our family of 5. Scott had started travelling with work in that time and this was hard at times but he always came home to us and we enjoyed the benefits of airmiles! Him coming home was always something to be looked forward to. Luckily technology had brought us Internet and mobile phones in this time! We could keep in constant touch. We then had a move to a bigger house...our forever home ( so we thought! ) , which I chose as Scott was in Australia ...I just had to phone him, describe it to him and he just had to trust I'd choose well!
By the time we had been married for 18 years we knew we were moving to Melbourne, to start a new life adventure as a family. We have had great times here, we've had difficult times here but we've had each other and that's all we can ask for ! We have hard times ahead but we will do it together. We have and are lucky to have 24 years of marriage to look back on and whatever time we have together to look forward to. We have been blessed with three fabulous children ...they've been blessed with a fabulous mum and dad (#justsaying- they will read this! ) and we are so fortunate to have each other and to live our lives side by side together every day.
Happy 24th anniversary Scott...you chose well 😍 ( apparently tanzanites and diamonds go well together ...#justsaying )
Always living, definitely loving and doing my best to keep laughing !
Tuesday, 16 August 2016
Trump-it
I'm not having a fabulous morning, I'm feeling a bit subdued ( read -bloody sad) but I've written a list which always makes me feel better and I've already ticked three things off it.
Pulled pork in slow cooker ✔️
Post a parcel ✔️
First load of washing hung out ( optimistically as its dull and dreich) ✔️
We've spent the past few days in hospital, Scott was admitted on Saturday night so I've been trying to do the balance of home/ children/ husband/ dog . It's all a bit trying and exhausting and I know as time goes on this will get harder. We have had such kind offers of help and I think maybe ( but maybe not quite yet) I need to acknowledge when it's time to accept these offers. I'm used to being the person who offers help so it's hard being the recipient of kindness and knowing when to say "yes please, that would be lovely , thank you" instead of " we are okay at the moment, thank you " I should maybe put it on my list of things to do.
I also, always think that as soon as Scott is home I will sleep well. I don't sleep well anyway, so why I think that should make a difference I don't know? I don't sleep well when he's in hospital...he doesn't sleep well when he's in hospital ( he was woken up at 2.15am yesterday by a doctor wanting to attempt to cannulate him...a nightmare situation, literally!) so a lack of sleep , raging heartburn ( I love Thai food, it does not love me, I do not learn) and the realisation that Scott's hair was falling out big style this morning saw me howling first thing.
There was a pile of what can only be described as something like Donald Trump's hairdo on the shower base this morning . Same colour, same shape! We knew his hair would come out , it's a side effect of his chemotherapy treatment, it was due to happen at this point in the chemo cycle but still it's very confronting ( as a lot of this cancer journey is) , it's a visual reminder ( as if we need reminding ) of what's going on. Its hard. It's awful. It's just how I feel. I am made up of at least 95% emotion, there's a small 5% that's sensible and rational which realises that this would happen but the majority of me just wants to weep and wail today and to mourn that thick mop of hair, that's been grown in protest at having to have it buzz cut for major surgery last year. Our oncologist commented the first time we met him "that's a very impressive mane " ..." You will lose it" .
Today is that day.
Vacuuming as we call it out here, hoovering as we call it back home! Whatever it's called ...it's next on the list ...there's a toupee to be rounded up!
Haves a good hair day 😜
Pulled pork in slow cooker ✔️
Post a parcel ✔️
First load of washing hung out ( optimistically as its dull and dreich) ✔️
We've spent the past few days in hospital, Scott was admitted on Saturday night so I've been trying to do the balance of home/ children/ husband/ dog . It's all a bit trying and exhausting and I know as time goes on this will get harder. We have had such kind offers of help and I think maybe ( but maybe not quite yet) I need to acknowledge when it's time to accept these offers. I'm used to being the person who offers help so it's hard being the recipient of kindness and knowing when to say "yes please, that would be lovely , thank you" instead of " we are okay at the moment, thank you " I should maybe put it on my list of things to do.
I also, always think that as soon as Scott is home I will sleep well. I don't sleep well anyway, so why I think that should make a difference I don't know? I don't sleep well when he's in hospital...he doesn't sleep well when he's in hospital ( he was woken up at 2.15am yesterday by a doctor wanting to attempt to cannulate him...a nightmare situation, literally!) so a lack of sleep , raging heartburn ( I love Thai food, it does not love me, I do not learn) and the realisation that Scott's hair was falling out big style this morning saw me howling first thing.
There was a pile of what can only be described as something like Donald Trump's hairdo on the shower base this morning . Same colour, same shape! We knew his hair would come out , it's a side effect of his chemotherapy treatment, it was due to happen at this point in the chemo cycle but still it's very confronting ( as a lot of this cancer journey is) , it's a visual reminder ( as if we need reminding ) of what's going on. Its hard. It's awful. It's just how I feel. I am made up of at least 95% emotion, there's a small 5% that's sensible and rational which realises that this would happen but the majority of me just wants to weep and wail today and to mourn that thick mop of hair, that's been grown in protest at having to have it buzz cut for major surgery last year. Our oncologist commented the first time we met him "that's a very impressive mane " ..." You will lose it" .
Today is that day.
Vacuuming as we call it out here, hoovering as we call it back home! Whatever it's called ...it's next on the list ...there's a toupee to be rounded up!
Haves a good hair day 😜
Thursday, 11 August 2016
What she said !
Whilst I've always loved decorating for Christmas , I also love putting it all away and being fresh and tidy again.
This is what Fiona had written in my m-early Christmas card. I have her permission to share😉
"Mum,
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, so thank God it's Christmas early this year! I don't want a lot for Christmas, I just want you not to cry for a day!
We are what feels like Falling through the air, uncertain of where you'll land soon but we are all still here to Rock around the Christmas Tree(s) , so we should Stop the cavalry for one day and eat and be merry for a while. It might even turn into a Fairytale of Watsonia if we party long and hard enough
Stop yer gurnin' already and wait patiently for your m-early present to arrive, you can look at it and remember what a lovely family you have on this side of the planet.
I wish it could be m-early Christmas every day so we could ignore cancer for now - but alas.
Love you,
Fiona.
X
PS .We'd turn into mince pies before too long! "
Do sing along !
Tuesday, 2 August 2016
Comfort Zone
We are back in hospital today , Scott is having a blood transfusion and then an iron transfusion ...I'm just having a rather tasty piece of chocolate cake ( tiny but delicious , small enough to have hardly any calories) .
We are in the brand new, shiny and sparkling Peter Mac Cancer Centre aka The Victorian Comprehensive Cancer Centre , this just opened a few weeks ago and is so much brighter and lighter than the old Peter Mac.
I used to , in a previous life, be a nurse and that sound training and grounding we had back in the olden days never leaves you. I've not actively nursed in 14 years but can still do hospital corners, can usually make the diagnosis on Casualty and Holby City before the doctors do and can hold my own in a converstaion with real life doctors over here!
So, to be here , has an odd comfort factor for me...don't know about Scott, he just very easily , goes with the flow. He puts up with being poked and prodded, photographed ...don't know how many doctors have a photo of him on there iPhones by now! He is stabbed with needles , attached to drips , strapped to a blood pressure monitor and just lets it all happen. He is a very patient, patient.
I, however, am a very inquisitive patient's wife. I like to know exactly what's going on, why its happening , when it's happening and usually along the way I'm asked ' are you a nurse? ' ...ah, I was once! I occasionally tut , under my breath and think that we would not have got away with this or that back in my day but I think that basic nursing care is the same the world over. All the nurses we have met here are so happy and friendly and genuinely seem to enjoy their jobs....as a patient /patient's wife this is encouraging.
Every other patient here is going through cancer, some will have a positive outcome, others will not but here we are all the same. No one is staring , no one is judgemental, no one is bothered . There's an air of upbeat -ness, banter with the staff, an encouraging smile at each other across the room, a cheerio on the way out, grateful that treatment's over for another time. So , if we have to do our palliative treatment anywhere I'm glad we are doing it here. *
*free cake may be a contributory factor.
Always living , loving and laughing
We are in the brand new, shiny and sparkling Peter Mac Cancer Centre aka The Victorian Comprehensive Cancer Centre , this just opened a few weeks ago and is so much brighter and lighter than the old Peter Mac.
I used to , in a previous life, be a nurse and that sound training and grounding we had back in the olden days never leaves you. I've not actively nursed in 14 years but can still do hospital corners, can usually make the diagnosis on Casualty and Holby City before the doctors do and can hold my own in a converstaion with real life doctors over here!
So, to be here , has an odd comfort factor for me...don't know about Scott, he just very easily , goes with the flow. He puts up with being poked and prodded, photographed ...don't know how many doctors have a photo of him on there iPhones by now! He is stabbed with needles , attached to drips , strapped to a blood pressure monitor and just lets it all happen. He is a very patient, patient.
I, however, am a very inquisitive patient's wife. I like to know exactly what's going on, why its happening , when it's happening and usually along the way I'm asked ' are you a nurse? ' ...ah, I was once! I occasionally tut , under my breath and think that we would not have got away with this or that back in my day but I think that basic nursing care is the same the world over. All the nurses we have met here are so happy and friendly and genuinely seem to enjoy their jobs....as a patient /patient's wife this is encouraging.
Every other patient here is going through cancer, some will have a positive outcome, others will not but here we are all the same. No one is staring , no one is judgemental, no one is bothered . There's an air of upbeat -ness, banter with the staff, an encouraging smile at each other across the room, a cheerio on the way out, grateful that treatment's over for another time. So , if we have to do our palliative treatment anywhere I'm glad we are doing it here. *
*free cake may be a contributory factor.
Always living , loving and laughing
Sunday, 31 July 2016
Oh Christmas Tree
Today was the day operation get the house ready for m-early Christmas went into overdrive. Big trees...one super skinny and one super tall were put up by 2 over grown children , who required bribing before any branches were even brought out the box. There's always the potential element of surprise/ danger when putting the trees up. They live in the garage ...spiders also live in the garage. Luckily no spiders were found...this time! Haggis Dog, who does love a stick was quite excited at the trees going up in front of him.
There's a comfort in putting familiar, favourite decorations up but also , this year , a sadness. Sad because the reason we are doing m-early Christmas is that Scott will definitely with us , he will be able to share a Christmas meal, be able to talk with us, laugh with us. We don't know what the situation will be come December. The day we were given a terminal diagnosis , I asked , through mutters, snots and tears whether we would see Christmas together ...sobbing ...'I love Christmas ', our consultant very kindly and quietly suggested we hold it earlier , hence we are having our Christmas next Sunday.
I never knew until today just how sad some of our favourite Christmas songs are . Bit of a sobfest going on ...luckily I had a Fiona there to say 'Do you need another hug? ' and never making it seem like a chore as with bottom lip stuck out I'd nod yes! Every single decoration has a meaning, a memory, lots of them are heart shaped...my favourite shape. Some bought when the kids were small, some when the kids were big, lots bought in Scotland and brought here and lots more bought over here. Some are from friends and the love in which they were given is remembered each time they are hung up. Some are back of the tree decorations...must go up but stay out of sight! My little fairy is 55 years old and rolled out every year. She sits aloft the tree and surveys all that goes on...no doubt watching a naughty dog boy stealing baubles!
So that's the reason for our early season. To be together, to live , to love and to laugh and to shout at naughty dogs.
There's a comfort in putting familiar, favourite decorations up but also , this year , a sadness. Sad because the reason we are doing m-early Christmas is that Scott will definitely with us , he will be able to share a Christmas meal, be able to talk with us, laugh with us. We don't know what the situation will be come December. The day we were given a terminal diagnosis , I asked , through mutters, snots and tears whether we would see Christmas together ...sobbing ...'I love Christmas ', our consultant very kindly and quietly suggested we hold it earlier , hence we are having our Christmas next Sunday.
I never knew until today just how sad some of our favourite Christmas songs are . Bit of a sobfest going on ...luckily I had a Fiona there to say 'Do you need another hug? ' and never making it seem like a chore as with bottom lip stuck out I'd nod yes! Every single decoration has a meaning, a memory, lots of them are heart shaped...my favourite shape. Some bought when the kids were small, some when the kids were big, lots bought in Scotland and brought here and lots more bought over here. Some are from friends and the love in which they were given is remembered each time they are hung up. Some are back of the tree decorations...must go up but stay out of sight! My little fairy is 55 years old and rolled out every year. She sits aloft the tree and surveys all that goes on...no doubt watching a naughty dog boy stealing baubles!
So that's the reason for our early season. To be together, to live , to love and to laugh and to shout at naughty dogs.
Wednesday, 27 July 2016
Journies
We make many journies as we travel along life. We meet people, see new things, learn new ways , continue with old ways , sometimes our journey is smooth and easy and at other times it's a bit bumpy and a bit difficult. None of us know what's ahead of us , what's to come, what's waiting around the next corner.
As a family, we are now on a journey we had never hoped to be but we don't have much say in where life takes you, so we are going along for the ride. Seat belts firmly buckled and the brace position practised. ( can you tell I'm about to spend the next 25 hours on an aeroplane?)
We can see Scott's tumour progressing, we have been alarmed at the speed in which it has changed but we are reassured that these changes would have taken place in Melbourne or Kilmarnock, making this epic journey home has not sped things up.
What do you do when you know your husband is dying , that your children's father is dying ...but not as he says 'dead yet' , do you allow yourself to wallow in grief or do you put your best smile on and try and make the best of each hour, each day? Do you cry endless tears or do you laugh out loud because right now you still can together? What do you do when you thought you had a lifetime of conversations still to have? Do you sit and sob or do you still keep talking because you still can?
What do you do when you know this will be the last time you do something together ? Last Thursday we flew into Scotland for the last time together, today we will leave Scotland for the last time together . Do you weep and wail or do you hold a hand tighter , never wanting to let go? What do you do when you see your husband say goodbye to his family , his friends and know that, that's it for them? They won't see him again, they won't be hugged tightly again. Do you weep and wail or do you push on through the emotional pain barrier and smile your brightest smile?
What you do do is bank all the love, the friendship, the kindess and most of all the laughter we have shared this past week. It's been a very bitter sweet week as we all know that this was a farewell trip, a time to be with those we wanted to be with. We feel very buoyed up on love and friendship that will sustain us through our lowly days.
We have to make the most of the good days, the well days whilst we can. We have to smile and laugh ( tears do fall but there will be plenty time for them in times to come ) , we have to make the most of life, it is for living and making the most of. We are under no illusions as to what the end destination is for our family. We don't have a happy ending but we have to try and make the journey as happy as we can. If we spent all day sad and crying we wouldn't see the simple pleasures that abound around us.
Life is absolutely for living and for loving and most definitely laughing .
As a family, we are now on a journey we had never hoped to be but we don't have much say in where life takes you, so we are going along for the ride. Seat belts firmly buckled and the brace position practised. ( can you tell I'm about to spend the next 25 hours on an aeroplane?)
We can see Scott's tumour progressing, we have been alarmed at the speed in which it has changed but we are reassured that these changes would have taken place in Melbourne or Kilmarnock, making this epic journey home has not sped things up.
What do you do when you know your husband is dying , that your children's father is dying ...but not as he says 'dead yet' , do you allow yourself to wallow in grief or do you put your best smile on and try and make the best of each hour, each day? Do you cry endless tears or do you laugh out loud because right now you still can together? What do you do when you thought you had a lifetime of conversations still to have? Do you sit and sob or do you still keep talking because you still can?
What do you do when you know this will be the last time you do something together ? Last Thursday we flew into Scotland for the last time together, today we will leave Scotland for the last time together . Do you weep and wail or do you hold a hand tighter , never wanting to let go? What do you do when you see your husband say goodbye to his family , his friends and know that, that's it for them? They won't see him again, they won't be hugged tightly again. Do you weep and wail or do you push on through the emotional pain barrier and smile your brightest smile?
What you do do is bank all the love, the friendship, the kindess and most of all the laughter we have shared this past week. It's been a very bitter sweet week as we all know that this was a farewell trip, a time to be with those we wanted to be with. We feel very buoyed up on love and friendship that will sustain us through our lowly days.
We have to make the most of the good days, the well days whilst we can. We have to smile and laugh ( tears do fall but there will be plenty time for them in times to come ) , we have to make the most of life, it is for living and making the most of. We are under no illusions as to what the end destination is for our family. We don't have a happy ending but we have to try and make the journey as happy as we can. If we spent all day sad and crying we wouldn't see the simple pleasures that abound around us.
Life is absolutely for living and for loving and most definitely laughing .
Thursday, 7 July 2016
Paperwork schmaperwork
I am looking for a particular set of paperwork that has moved house three times, crossed the world and will be somewhere in the boxes in the garage that we've never needed .
Whilst looking I found a letter from my lovely Dundee Granny , written in 1986, probably just before she died. Anyway her final line to me was 'keep writing '. I think that's a very good idea Granny and I think I need to keep writing , certainly at the moment. It gives me some clarity of thought , creates a semblance of order to a jumble of thoughts .
So whilst trying to find the paperwork ( which remains elusive but it's a big garage!) we are now ankle deep in photographs , kids schoolwork , memories. We have topped up the recycling bin, shared disbelief at why on earth some things actually emigrated with us and taken loads of stuff over to Salvos ( charity shop or op shop as we call them here) . We've laughed at Scott's hair dos's over the years ( mine never really changes ) we had to phone him to see what exactly his part in ' A Christmas Cracker ' at St Kentigern's Church, circa 1982. A skit apparently involving a custard pie!
I've ( perhaps cruelly) consigned a box of his cassette tapes to the Salvos....vintage ZZ top anyone ....anyone with a cassette player ? Maybe some ageing rocker with a mullet will appreciate it!
I've screamed at cobwebs and one large daddy long leg spider, I've blown away dust covered boxes, but most of all I've smiled. Smiled at photos of a young ( much slimmer , not a grey hair in sight) me and young him. We have 28 years of photos ....many in the day before the delete button, when you took your film to the chemist to get developed. We have 28 years of memories , all happy, all good. We survived the shell suit years , the Sweater Shop jumper years, we even got through the double denim years!
We've found photos of kids parties, cuttings from newspapers, jotters from primary 1. " what an exciting story Ruaraidh " or classic Isla " lovely start to your story...how about an ending?' We have much to do before the inevitable happens. Affairs to be put in order. Lists to be added to , lists to be ticked off. Just so much stuff but if we can do some of it with a smile then it's not all bad, is it?
I thank each and everyone of you for your kindness, your love , your thoughts and your prayers. I agree with you, there ain't much to say , words are so inadequate at times. But for now I will keep sharing my words and hope you don't mind reading
Whilst looking I found a letter from my lovely Dundee Granny , written in 1986, probably just before she died. Anyway her final line to me was 'keep writing '. I think that's a very good idea Granny and I think I need to keep writing , certainly at the moment. It gives me some clarity of thought , creates a semblance of order to a jumble of thoughts .
So whilst trying to find the paperwork ( which remains elusive but it's a big garage!) we are now ankle deep in photographs , kids schoolwork , memories. We have topped up the recycling bin, shared disbelief at why on earth some things actually emigrated with us and taken loads of stuff over to Salvos ( charity shop or op shop as we call them here) . We've laughed at Scott's hair dos's over the years ( mine never really changes ) we had to phone him to see what exactly his part in ' A Christmas Cracker ' at St Kentigern's Church, circa 1982. A skit apparently involving a custard pie!
I've ( perhaps cruelly) consigned a box of his cassette tapes to the Salvos....vintage ZZ top anyone ....anyone with a cassette player ? Maybe some ageing rocker with a mullet will appreciate it!
I've screamed at cobwebs and one large daddy long leg spider, I've blown away dust covered boxes, but most of all I've smiled. Smiled at photos of a young ( much slimmer , not a grey hair in sight) me and young him. We have 28 years of photos ....many in the day before the delete button, when you took your film to the chemist to get developed. We have 28 years of memories , all happy, all good. We survived the shell suit years , the Sweater Shop jumper years, we even got through the double denim years!
We've found photos of kids parties, cuttings from newspapers, jotters from primary 1. " what an exciting story Ruaraidh " or classic Isla " lovely start to your story...how about an ending?' We have much to do before the inevitable happens. Affairs to be put in order. Lists to be added to , lists to be ticked off. Just so much stuff but if we can do some of it with a smile then it's not all bad, is it?
I thank each and everyone of you for your kindness, your love , your thoughts and your prayers. I agree with you, there ain't much to say , words are so inadequate at times. But for now I will keep sharing my words and hope you don't mind reading
Wednesday, 6 July 2016
The morning after the day before....
I have a headache. It might be lack of sleep, it might have been the icing topped , jam doughnut or it might be all ths stuff rattling around inside my head at the moment. So I will attempt to get some of the many words rushing around inside my head out in print and maybe it will make a bit of space.
( it's probably a combination of all 3 but I think the chocolate icing topped, raspberry jam doughnut with chocolate sprinkles was too much sugar...though 'twas delicious at the time)
We had a massive day yesterday , I don't think they come any bigger. We were told Scott's cancer is terminal. As in nothing more can be done. As in there is no cure. As in surgery won't cut it ( pun intended) this time. As in " we would now like you to meet the Palliative Care Team" ..we met them ,they are lovely. But really? Are we really ready to be introduced to them? Yes, we are and we are going to absolutely need the help and support they will give Scott and all of us as a family.
How do you tell your children Dad's got terminal cancer? It's a bit like all the other times you've had to them Dad's got ordinary cancer. But this time it's worse. It really doesn't get any harder as a mum to break your children's hearts, to watch those hearts break down in front of you , to know that a little bit of their hearts will never mend as the day they found out their fabulous, amazing Dad won't be around forever. He won't be there for graduations, for weddings, for grandchildren. He won't be there for late night cup of tea sharing. For picking up in the back of beyond at the end of the night , bloody hell , he won't be here for anything. For birthdays, for anniversaries, for last thing at night dog walks, for just nip out for milk car journeys. For coffees , for cake. For asking silly questions to and getting perfectly sensible replies to. For knowing how to do things just because he does.
Having to anticipate a time when their Dad's not there is just something they should not have to experience. Fiona said last night, " I miss him already and he's in the next room" , she had said a couple of weeks ago that "Dad has to wear his kilt at my graduation" and I sat quietly knowing he probably won't be here to see Ruaraidh's and certainly not hers. At this stage Scott and I both knew what was likely to be ahead but were waiting confirmation of biopsies before we told them.
We have been told to make the most of the time we have left , we need to learn how to live in a happy now ( whilst projecting to a very different then) , we need to make every day count, relish every moment, become a walking talking book of inspirational quotes to stay focused on what we do, still have...we still have each other..
We still have life, we still have lots and lots of love and we are still laughing ..in between sobs.
( it's probably a combination of all 3 but I think the chocolate icing topped, raspberry jam doughnut with chocolate sprinkles was too much sugar...though 'twas delicious at the time)
We had a massive day yesterday , I don't think they come any bigger. We were told Scott's cancer is terminal. As in nothing more can be done. As in there is no cure. As in surgery won't cut it ( pun intended) this time. As in " we would now like you to meet the Palliative Care Team" ..we met them ,they are lovely. But really? Are we really ready to be introduced to them? Yes, we are and we are going to absolutely need the help and support they will give Scott and all of us as a family.
How do you tell your children Dad's got terminal cancer? It's a bit like all the other times you've had to them Dad's got ordinary cancer. But this time it's worse. It really doesn't get any harder as a mum to break your children's hearts, to watch those hearts break down in front of you , to know that a little bit of their hearts will never mend as the day they found out their fabulous, amazing Dad won't be around forever. He won't be there for graduations, for weddings, for grandchildren. He won't be there for late night cup of tea sharing. For picking up in the back of beyond at the end of the night , bloody hell , he won't be here for anything. For birthdays, for anniversaries, for last thing at night dog walks, for just nip out for milk car journeys. For coffees , for cake. For asking silly questions to and getting perfectly sensible replies to. For knowing how to do things just because he does.
Having to anticipate a time when their Dad's not there is just something they should not have to experience. Fiona said last night, " I miss him already and he's in the next room" , she had said a couple of weeks ago that "Dad has to wear his kilt at my graduation" and I sat quietly knowing he probably won't be here to see Ruaraidh's and certainly not hers. At this stage Scott and I both knew what was likely to be ahead but were waiting confirmation of biopsies before we told them.
We have been told to make the most of the time we have left , we need to learn how to live in a happy now ( whilst projecting to a very different then) , we need to make every day count, relish every moment, become a walking talking book of inspirational quotes to stay focused on what we do, still have...we still have each other..
We still have life, we still have lots and lots of love and we are still laughing ..in between sobs.
Tuesday, 5 July 2016
Bursting Bubbles...
Writing this in the car waiting to board The Spirit of Tasmania ii, which will take us back to Melbourne , take us back to 'The Mainland' as us would be islanders call it. It will take us back to the harsh reality of our life and my perfect , little holiday bubble will burst.
We've had a most wonderful week , staying in a perfect little cottage which overlooked the sea.
Beautifully decorated, fabulously equipped with all you could need, the only noise being the laughing kookaburras, the seabirds , the occasional rain shower on the roof and Haggis barking if anyone came near the jetty! We had little scampering bunny rabbits running through the garden.
We've been blessed with mainly good weather , considering it's mid winter. Pouring rain yesterday and the start of our drive today but all is calm in Devonport as we plan to sail the Bass Strait.
My mornings have been spent listening first of all to the kookaburras wake up , then they can't help but wake up the other birds and so the day starts. The sun rises behind the hills to the left of the cottage and creeps up and over as a new day starts and reflects gloriously over the sea.
Haggis has had the best time ever and has ran in and out of the sea so many times. He's in his element. He is a joy to watch and his happiness is shared by all of us.
The scenery has been stunning all the way and is similar in places to the west coast of Scotland. The beaches are stunning, cove after cove , stunning view and then drive round a corner and there's another one , even nicer.
We've caught up with friends which has been lovely meeting them on their turf. Haggis met his match in the West Highland terrier pup Arthur...big lab chased by wee white ball of fluff! Hilarious.
But in amongst all the beauty, the tranquility our truth was never faraway. And no matter how hard I have tried to live in the here and now our future is now uncertain. Scott has been rediagnosed with cancer and our hearts are heavy with sadness, with fear , with love struggling to cope with an awareness of what is likely ahead.
As soon as we get off this ship in the morning we head straight to hospital to find out what's ahead. As a family we face tough times and I pray for strength to be guided through this .
When I dared to look to look forward it was only ever as far as this Tasmania Trip.
Still living, still loving and absolutely still laughing loud like a kookaburra
X
We've had a most wonderful week , staying in a perfect little cottage which overlooked the sea.
Beautifully decorated, fabulously equipped with all you could need, the only noise being the laughing kookaburras, the seabirds , the occasional rain shower on the roof and Haggis barking if anyone came near the jetty! We had little scampering bunny rabbits running through the garden.
We've been blessed with mainly good weather , considering it's mid winter. Pouring rain yesterday and the start of our drive today but all is calm in Devonport as we plan to sail the Bass Strait.
My mornings have been spent listening first of all to the kookaburras wake up , then they can't help but wake up the other birds and so the day starts. The sun rises behind the hills to the left of the cottage and creeps up and over as a new day starts and reflects gloriously over the sea.
Haggis has had the best time ever and has ran in and out of the sea so many times. He's in his element. He is a joy to watch and his happiness is shared by all of us.
The scenery has been stunning all the way and is similar in places to the west coast of Scotland. The beaches are stunning, cove after cove , stunning view and then drive round a corner and there's another one , even nicer.
We've caught up with friends which has been lovely meeting them on their turf. Haggis met his match in the West Highland terrier pup Arthur...big lab chased by wee white ball of fluff! Hilarious.
But in amongst all the beauty, the tranquility our truth was never faraway. And no matter how hard I have tried to live in the here and now our future is now uncertain. Scott has been rediagnosed with cancer and our hearts are heavy with sadness, with fear , with love struggling to cope with an awareness of what is likely ahead.
As soon as we get off this ship in the morning we head straight to hospital to find out what's ahead. As a family we face tough times and I pray for strength to be guided through this .
When I dared to look to look forward it was only ever as far as this Tasmania Trip.
Still living, still loving and absolutely still laughing loud like a kookaburra
X
Saturday, 25 June 2016
Presenting Miss Isla ....
There should be a help line or a forum devoted to the mothers of all year 11 girls about to be presented at their Debutante Ball ..or maybe it's just me?
Today's the day and tonight's the night that months of planning and weeping and wailing ( me) come to fruition and my daughter will step into an elaborately crystalled white dress ( that looks very similar to a wedding dress) and become part of an ancient Victorian ...as in the state but perhaps the era...tradition of girls being presented to society. Tonight's society will consist of family, friends, teachers and an esteemed dignatory. According to the guidelines their dresses are to be modest in style ( oops!) , they must wear elbow length white gloves ( which I've learned come in either shiny or matt, ours are shiny) and these will cover her perfectly manicured nails.
To quote " dress cannot be backless, have a train, have high splits or plunging neckline" oops.
We are even given guidance on what colour of underwear should be worn...neutral in case you are wondering as white shows through in photos.
This whole rigmarole is all new to me. Number one child is a young man, number two child showed absolutely no interest in participating in such an event but there was never any doubt that number three child would be first in the queue to take part.
Applications were made months ago , nights were allocated 2 months ago to much consternation of us the 'Sunday night group' ( there was another event last night for the perhaps luckier Saturday night group who would have access to their usual hairdressers / make up people ...we are taking a leap of faith and heading out shortly to unknown salons.
She was fake tanned yesterday and to our amusement changed colour from peely wally to oh my , been anywhere nice on your holidays? Hair has been grown to accomodate the style she wants.
So, oh my goodness , my stress levels have reached a peak not reached for a while.
Hairdresser was running late then said " you need to show me the video of how to do this style" ...all Isla had was a photo and not too elaborate a style! So, hair done and then make up , girl was also running a bit late and then had to clean all her brushes from previous client ( who is also a debutante tonight) ...tick, tick , tick of my inner clock . Make up done, stunning , lovely , let's go...wait says make up girl, can I please take photos for my portfolio ? Me....thinking, .noooooooo, can I please just pay , we are in such a rush .
Every traffic light on way home was a red one, Isla had to paint her toe nails and put her jewellry on in the car . Then we had to get her into her dress and all 300 layers of netting sorted. By this time I'm starting to raise my voice. A gift for her partner ( who knew we had to do such a thing ? Not us until last week) still to be wrapped. Son bringing me the wrong coloured ribbon from my ribbon drawer ( I actually do have a ribbon drawer) Fiona's friend Selena sent to select a more suitable colour. Time for a quick photo session then Fiona and Selena hoisting her skirts aloft to avoid getting muddy.
Isla ensconced safely in the car , the destination not found on Sat Nav and just a bit more stress ....then we got to the pre deb destination. A family very kindly hosting 16 couples and their families for photo opportunity and a driveway long enough to accommodate stretch limos, stretch Hummers and a lovely black Mercedes for Isla and Adam...the red carpet rolled out for them. The strap on Isla's dress snapped and trying to find a mum with eyesight good enough to thread a needle was impossible! Anyway..problem solved , strap sewed on, photos taken around the pool ....girls chittering in the cold ( just as well they had their long gloves on then 😬)
So blinged up crutches , painkillers and spare plastic straps dropped off at a wonderfully decorated town hall and I'm sure we will have the most amazing evening with formal dancing and dinner.
I need a holiday ...oh wait....that's tomorrow!
.
Today's the day and tonight's the night that months of planning and weeping and wailing ( me) come to fruition and my daughter will step into an elaborately crystalled white dress ( that looks very similar to a wedding dress) and become part of an ancient Victorian ...as in the state but perhaps the era...tradition of girls being presented to society. Tonight's society will consist of family, friends, teachers and an esteemed dignatory. According to the guidelines their dresses are to be modest in style ( oops!) , they must wear elbow length white gloves ( which I've learned come in either shiny or matt, ours are shiny) and these will cover her perfectly manicured nails.
To quote " dress cannot be backless, have a train, have high splits or plunging neckline" oops.
We are even given guidance on what colour of underwear should be worn...neutral in case you are wondering as white shows through in photos.
This whole rigmarole is all new to me. Number one child is a young man, number two child showed absolutely no interest in participating in such an event but there was never any doubt that number three child would be first in the queue to take part.
Applications were made months ago , nights were allocated 2 months ago to much consternation of us the 'Sunday night group' ( there was another event last night for the perhaps luckier Saturday night group who would have access to their usual hairdressers / make up people ...we are taking a leap of faith and heading out shortly to unknown salons.
She was fake tanned yesterday and to our amusement changed colour from peely wally to oh my , been anywhere nice on your holidays? Hair has been grown to accomodate the style she wants.
So, oh my goodness , my stress levels have reached a peak not reached for a while.
Hairdresser was running late then said " you need to show me the video of how to do this style" ...all Isla had was a photo and not too elaborate a style! So, hair done and then make up , girl was also running a bit late and then had to clean all her brushes from previous client ( who is also a debutante tonight) ...tick, tick , tick of my inner clock . Make up done, stunning , lovely , let's go...wait says make up girl, can I please take photos for my portfolio ? Me....thinking, .noooooooo, can I please just pay , we are in such a rush .
Every traffic light on way home was a red one, Isla had to paint her toe nails and put her jewellry on in the car . Then we had to get her into her dress and all 300 layers of netting sorted. By this time I'm starting to raise my voice. A gift for her partner ( who knew we had to do such a thing ? Not us until last week) still to be wrapped. Son bringing me the wrong coloured ribbon from my ribbon drawer ( I actually do have a ribbon drawer) Fiona's friend Selena sent to select a more suitable colour. Time for a quick photo session then Fiona and Selena hoisting her skirts aloft to avoid getting muddy.
Isla ensconced safely in the car , the destination not found on Sat Nav and just a bit more stress ....then we got to the pre deb destination. A family very kindly hosting 16 couples and their families for photo opportunity and a driveway long enough to accommodate stretch limos, stretch Hummers and a lovely black Mercedes for Isla and Adam...the red carpet rolled out for them. The strap on Isla's dress snapped and trying to find a mum with eyesight good enough to thread a needle was impossible! Anyway..problem solved , strap sewed on, photos taken around the pool ....girls chittering in the cold ( just as well they had their long gloves on then 😬)
So blinged up crutches , painkillers and spare plastic straps dropped off at a wonderfully decorated town hall and I'm sure we will have the most amazing evening with formal dancing and dinner.
I need a holiday ...oh wait....that's tomorrow!
.
Sunday, 12 June 2016
Twenty one!
Facebook has sent my memories this morning ....basically along the lines of me being unbelieving that I was now the mother of a 16,17, 18, 19, 20 year old son ...each proclaiming I'm surely too young but the latter saying I'm hitting the bottle....the skincare bottle in protest!
Today I wake up to discover that I am the mother of a 21 year old son and as I've hirpled to the bathroom ( only a few steps as cottage is tiny) and looked in the mirror and realised that despite my efforts last night to lie as far away from feather pillow and quilt as possible it's not been far enough....the swelling should subside later and I won't believe I have a son that age .
( I have a feather allergy...cottage has a feather quilt and feather pillows...I brought my own pillow and luckily some extra inner granny blankets! Eyes are puffy, nose is blocked and lungs feel a bit wheezy!)
Twenty one years ago ( allowing for Australian time differences of course ...we will just stretch the celebrations out a bit) , we welcomed our son into the world. As soon as I was pregnant ( and all the way through the next 9 months and an extra 10 days of vomiting) I knew I was having a boy. Just knew. We did have a name for a girl on standby but I just always felt I was having a boy.
He was 10 days late ( I do not do late , I'm usually overly punctual ....so was distressed by his tardiness ) , he was round the wrong way , he was in distress and then he was ours. After months of eating oranges, drinking Irn Bru and then litres of Gaviscon he was finally ours... after 9 months of visiting the antenatal ward as a patient ( a few pregnancy related problems along the way) I finally got to be on the postnatal ward with my boy, swaddled in a hospital blanket and the proudest daddy ever by my side....the photos show the biggest, beaming smiled daddy ever and the most knackered looking mummy ever!
Three days later we took our baby home and that's when reality of a newborn starts . 1995 was a nice summer and I think we soon got into a routine ...it's not easy being a new mum, a tiny baby is such a responsibility but we obviously got there! A year later we had moved into a bigger house as we had another baby on the way and I couldn't imagine that I could share the love I felt for one but you do ( and as I know she will read this 💜 you don't share it, it doubles) , so within 17 months we had 2 babies, one walking (just) and very much talking and one newborn. I didn't drive at the time, I had a big silver cross pram that I hoisted a young boy on the top seat and off we went walking through country lanes every day just to get out. We read, we sang , we danced in our front lounge, we baked , we laughed ...I think we are still doing all those things. Maybe we need to dance more!
Then the following year we moved back to the town Scott and I grew up in and another new house. We would have daily walks down to our woods and castle, still reading and singing and dancing. I think painting and crafty stuff had been added to the repertoire. Play dates had also begun in earnest. Sand and Water group, toddlers, playgroup , nursery then another baby due in our family and then there were 5 ...and that's how we stayed. A family of 5, the five of us. One smily baby, one shy but oh so funny little girl and one boy , who liked to wear a hat and knew all there was to know about everything and a teller of silly jokes.
Then we had a daddy who had started a new job and then was promoted again and then again and I gave up my very part time, part time job of nursing once a fortnight and then the daddy started working away , a day here, a week there and we would all be excited for the daddy coming home,
We moved house again , our forever home. The daddy was working away even longer but would phone at odd times of the day ...usually when he got in as we were trying to get out....he would come home a hero with gifts and tales of faraway lands.
Then we all moved to a faraway land, to be our family of five again , to be together everyday. This was at the cost of leaving friends and family behind, of not having them with us for family events, occasions. But to be together as our family of five is everything to me. I am so fulfilled being a mother , that's a very personal statement to me. I don't write it out of smugness or self importance , I write it out of truth. I love being my children's mother , a journey that started 21 years ago today.
I know that at times it has been an easier journey at times than at others but always a journey filled with love ...the occasional swear word and a great deal of laughter!
Happiest of birthdays to my boy, who 21 years on still needs fed at regular intervals, thank you for being my son, for going bravely into the world, for going on adventures that your mother will never be brave enough to do, be safe on that bike and watch out for snakes!
Today I wake up to discover that I am the mother of a 21 year old son and as I've hirpled to the bathroom ( only a few steps as cottage is tiny) and looked in the mirror and realised that despite my efforts last night to lie as far away from feather pillow and quilt as possible it's not been far enough....the swelling should subside later and I won't believe I have a son that age .
( I have a feather allergy...cottage has a feather quilt and feather pillows...I brought my own pillow and luckily some extra inner granny blankets! Eyes are puffy, nose is blocked and lungs feel a bit wheezy!)
Twenty one years ago ( allowing for Australian time differences of course ...we will just stretch the celebrations out a bit) , we welcomed our son into the world. As soon as I was pregnant ( and all the way through the next 9 months and an extra 10 days of vomiting) I knew I was having a boy. Just knew. We did have a name for a girl on standby but I just always felt I was having a boy.
He was 10 days late ( I do not do late , I'm usually overly punctual ....so was distressed by his tardiness ) , he was round the wrong way , he was in distress and then he was ours. After months of eating oranges, drinking Irn Bru and then litres of Gaviscon he was finally ours... after 9 months of visiting the antenatal ward as a patient ( a few pregnancy related problems along the way) I finally got to be on the postnatal ward with my boy, swaddled in a hospital blanket and the proudest daddy ever by my side....the photos show the biggest, beaming smiled daddy ever and the most knackered looking mummy ever!
Three days later we took our baby home and that's when reality of a newborn starts . 1995 was a nice summer and I think we soon got into a routine ...it's not easy being a new mum, a tiny baby is such a responsibility but we obviously got there! A year later we had moved into a bigger house as we had another baby on the way and I couldn't imagine that I could share the love I felt for one but you do ( and as I know she will read this 💜 you don't share it, it doubles) , so within 17 months we had 2 babies, one walking (just) and very much talking and one newborn. I didn't drive at the time, I had a big silver cross pram that I hoisted a young boy on the top seat and off we went walking through country lanes every day just to get out. We read, we sang , we danced in our front lounge, we baked , we laughed ...I think we are still doing all those things. Maybe we need to dance more!
Then the following year we moved back to the town Scott and I grew up in and another new house. We would have daily walks down to our woods and castle, still reading and singing and dancing. I think painting and crafty stuff had been added to the repertoire. Play dates had also begun in earnest. Sand and Water group, toddlers, playgroup , nursery then another baby due in our family and then there were 5 ...and that's how we stayed. A family of 5, the five of us. One smily baby, one shy but oh so funny little girl and one boy , who liked to wear a hat and knew all there was to know about everything and a teller of silly jokes.
Then we had a daddy who had started a new job and then was promoted again and then again and I gave up my very part time, part time job of nursing once a fortnight and then the daddy started working away , a day here, a week there and we would all be excited for the daddy coming home,
We moved house again , our forever home. The daddy was working away even longer but would phone at odd times of the day ...usually when he got in as we were trying to get out....he would come home a hero with gifts and tales of faraway lands.
Then we all moved to a faraway land, to be our family of five again , to be together everyday. This was at the cost of leaving friends and family behind, of not having them with us for family events, occasions. But to be together as our family of five is everything to me. I am so fulfilled being a mother , that's a very personal statement to me. I don't write it out of smugness or self importance , I write it out of truth. I love being my children's mother , a journey that started 21 years ago today.
I know that at times it has been an easier journey at times than at others but always a journey filled with love ...the occasional swear word and a great deal of laughter!
Happiest of birthdays to my boy, who 21 years on still needs fed at regular intervals, thank you for being my son, for going bravely into the world, for going on adventures that your mother will never be brave enough to do, be safe on that bike and watch out for snakes!
Saturday, 11 June 2016
One year on...
This same Saturday last year was my son's 20th birthday , I woke up at my usual time of early o'clock ( anytime between 4-5am) and was making an birthday cake in the kitchen ( probably with a big dog right under my feet) and I was heartbroken. I did not know if Scott would be here for Ru's 21st birthday and the thought of this was just so unbearable but it was a real concern at the time. I sobbed and sobbed and howled and howled and probably dripped tears into cake mix ( not snots though )
This morning , one whole year on, at early o'clock I packed a bag or seven , as usual Haggis dog was under my feet , he was following me everywhere I went and eyeing up the cake that was getting packed for pudding tonight ( thankyou Fiona for baking and Isla for icing )
We have travelled a few hours upstate to a stunning part of the country in the Pyrenees , where hill after hill just rolls onwards, where autumn colours are still to be found but lots of bare winter trees along side eucalyptus trees abound.
Whilst I've packed for every eventuality , my son has packed very minimally! We arrived at a very tiny but perfectly proportioned cottage on the grounds of a winery. With a car emptied ( brand new car that was shiny and black when we left a very rainy Melbourne ....now more brown than black! ) and a bowl of home made lentil soup inside us, Ru and Ben set off on their bikes. The winery has mountain bike tracks and the owner a keen cyclist , so off they went . We sat on the verandah , enjoying the silence, the views of kangaroos on the top of a nearby hill when all of a sudden they ran down the hill, into our 'garden' paddock , just metres from us . Then they jumped over the fence ( but one wee roo got his leg stuck in the wire....thought I was going to have to administer first aid to a kangaroo but it sorted itself) . It is beyond thrilling to be so near to these fabulous animals. I love them.
We went out for a brisk walk in the chilly but fresh air , the only sounds were the wind rustling through the eucalyptus leaves, kookaburras laughing and the occasional bang from a bird scarer on a nearby farm....apparently Jack had ( literally!) just sown his oats and this was to stop the cockatoos eating the seeds....#countrysideproblems. We surprised a big grey kangaroo who hopped off then watched us watching him then hopped off again. The views are stunning and just go on and on as far as you can see.
Brisk walk back and sat for another wee while on verandah until it got too cool / too mosquito-y.
Then inside our tiny little home and enjoyed dinner of chilli, rice and salad. I am so thankful that one year on I am spending it with my husband and my son, that my tears of last year just fell in a cake .
Living , loving and always laughing .
Tuesday, 24 May 2016
When life gives you lemons....
When life gives you lemons , an abundance of autumnal apples and pears and a big bag of over ripe bananas ( well, it was a bargain) and they sit in your fruit bowls and they sit in your fruit bowls some more and remind you of a time in the past when you baked a lot at home and your children and husband ate it all up in such a hurry.
Anyway, this cold autumn weather has made me hanker for home baking and this morning I did just that, warmed up the oven , lovingly stroked my Kitchenaid and set to baking and baking.
I made a petite lemony layer cake with the lemons from next door's tree. I made banana bread from the over ripe bananas ( bargain, they were! ) and an upside down apple and pear cake ....just because I live in an upside down part of the world. It's such a shame that not everyone likes them. One won't eat fruit, one won't eat lemons, one won't eat cooked apples....strange ....just as well that I do like all of them, isn't it?
Kitchen is cosy, it's about the only part of the house that is. We live in a big old draughty house that bakes in summer and whistles wind in the autumn and winter. Kitchen smells delicious. Mixing bowl and beaters have been licked by an eager child ( aged 19) , all that is left to do is sample cakes and assure you that the lemon layer cake is light and delicious and was served with a dollop of Tasmanian clotted cream ....schlurp!
Happy Wednesday everyone .
Thursday, 19 May 2016
Ah, yes! My blog! Not many mutterings have been made on it. A constant on my mental 'to do' list but to be fair it's a very long list. Anyway, let's start again, let's write a blog, let's mutter away to a hearts content.An opportunity to chatter away to myself and whoever may eventually read this.
Looking Forward :
How do you allow yourself to look forward again, to anticipate a future , to think freely and without worry ? How do you learn to do that again once a cancer diagnosis takes that joy of planning ahead away , not once but twice. How indeed.
I've always been a plan a -header , always a count down-er, a relish-er of the the challenge of a plan, the delicious anticipation of a list to be written and then joyfully ticked off or maybe even scored out.
Life suddenly changes when cancer enters your household , it takes priority, it supersedes even the most set in stone plans. It has to be dealt with .
You deal with it. You take one slow day at a time, slowly. You get through each day , realise that one week has passed , then another , then a month or so and then here we are one whole year post diganosis of cancer part 2. I am learning to dare to look ahead , to plan some events in the future ( though not too far ahead...that would be flighty!)
However, that sense of taking every day as it comes, alonst came crashing down again last weekend. We had a scare, we thought another lesion had grown , that stomach clenching grip of fear returned , that utter terror that cancer was back, that acknowledgement that behind the smile, behind the happy persona lies a constant fear . It resides inside me , usually kept bubbling under the surface but on occasion like at the weekend when 'hello' out it pops. As it happens ( thankfully, so thankfully) it was not another lesion , it has been checked at hospital and reassurances given . I'm left with a sense of ' well, it's okay ...for now' and 'let's not get too carried away with this planning ahead business.'
However, life is for living and loving and laughing. It's for looking forward , whether that's to tomorrow or to next month or to next year. It's for making the most of each day. Here's to making each day count.
Looking Forward :
How do you allow yourself to look forward again, to anticipate a future , to think freely and without worry ? How do you learn to do that again once a cancer diagnosis takes that joy of planning ahead away , not once but twice. How indeed.
I've always been a plan a -header , always a count down-er, a relish-er of the the challenge of a plan, the delicious anticipation of a list to be written and then joyfully ticked off or maybe even scored out.
Life suddenly changes when cancer enters your household , it takes priority, it supersedes even the most set in stone plans. It has to be dealt with .
You deal with it. You take one slow day at a time, slowly. You get through each day , realise that one week has passed , then another , then a month or so and then here we are one whole year post diganosis of cancer part 2. I am learning to dare to look ahead , to plan some events in the future ( though not too far ahead...that would be flighty!)
However, that sense of taking every day as it comes, alonst came crashing down again last weekend. We had a scare, we thought another lesion had grown , that stomach clenching grip of fear returned , that utter terror that cancer was back, that acknowledgement that behind the smile, behind the happy persona lies a constant fear . It resides inside me , usually kept bubbling under the surface but on occasion like at the weekend when 'hello' out it pops. As it happens ( thankfully, so thankfully) it was not another lesion , it has been checked at hospital and reassurances given . I'm left with a sense of ' well, it's okay ...for now' and 'let's not get too carried away with this planning ahead business.'
However, life is for living and loving and laughing. It's for looking forward , whether that's to tomorrow or to next month or to next year. It's for making the most of each day. Here's to making each day count.
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