I was reminded ( by my husband) this morning that I've not blogged in a while, just getting on with life really and I don't always have anything particularly exciting to write about!
I'm recovering from surgery on Monday and as Scott is feeling very poorly from last week's fifth chemo cycle I am not receiving the care and attention I had hoped for. I had planned on languishing on a sofa and having grapes peeled for me and drinks served with a straw ...strangely this has not happened. Instead Scott is languishing on a sofa and having drinks with a straw and I have been peeling his oranges!
I don't particularly like not being in control or independent. I'm not allowed to drive for 2 weeks or lift anything heavy, do anything strenuous so feeling slightly frustrated at my inability. I have just done an online supermarket shop ....with instructions to knock on the front door loudly as the door bell doesn't work! The time it took to manoeuvre round the online site I could have nipped out to the supermarket and had the groceries unpacked in my cupboards!
I have written a list of please do these chores for my fully grown children but they are either at school/ doing an exam for uni or supposed to be doing an essay for uni and I know that although the things will be done at some point today they won't be done immediately and I will be further frustrated! I shall just have to practice the art of being a patient patient.
I know I have to look after myself, take care of me , sit on my backside for longer than I normally do but when you are very used to being the person who does for others , who just does....it's hard to slow down and stop.
Twice, in the last few weeks I have been described as my husband's carer. The first 3 weeks ago when I was invited to afternoon tea to celebrate National Carers Week at our palliative care centre. The invitation upset me ( but everything that week upset me) , I don't think of myself as Scott's carer. I am Scott's wife ( and admittedly I do care about him !) I wasn't going to go but there was a lovely photo of a scone with jam and cream on the front so ever hopeful I went along. Having phoned and left a voicemail accepting the invite , I took it the name badge with MARGEE typed on it was for me...Australians don't always pick up on Mhaggie , they hear Margy , I then say Mhaggie ( the H is silent) , they say yes Margy...I say no R.....this goes on until one of us is exhausted and admits defeat! So with my name badge on and MARGEE scored out I went into the scone and jam and cream room ( loads of them!) . There were more scones than there were people. There were also more widows than there were wives! Myself and another lady Judy , were the only ones who had not been recently bereaved. I found this so distressing. There were tears. There were laughs. There were smiles and then more tears. From all of us. There were leftover scones that came home with me.
The second time I was described as my husband's carer was in Monday as I came round fromanaesthetic. I was very distressed as I came round as I remembered how ill Scott was and how difficult it was leaving him on Monday morning to go to hospital. Every morning my first thought is with him and every night my last thought is with him so to come out of an anaesthetic, very befuddled and woozy and to remember just felt like a bad dream but unfortunately a real bad dream. The nurse could see that I was upset and was concerned. We'd already done analgesia, switched from horrid big mask to nasal prongs, I'd assured her that no the light wasn't too bright yet still I was upset. I then said my husband's not well....ah yes, you are your husband's carer aren't you? When the time came for me to go up to the ward , she handed over to a lovely nurse and said Mhaggie is her husband's carer ....she is upset....plus blah, blah, blah what I'd had donee.
I don't want to be identified as my husband's carer. I don't want to be called MARGEE...(.screams no R!)...I just want to be Scott's wife who cares very muchly. I want him to get better soon as this being poorly nonsense has went on long enough...I want my grapes peeled , my shopping delivered and the list of chores done pronto!
#frustrated
#toomuchtoask?
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