Today, I was at work. Then, I was at work.
Today, I'm remembering. Then, I had just been told by Scott that he did indeed have cancer and our world turned upside down, in an instant. I drove home, almost blinded by tears. I still remember that journey and having to turn round 14 roundabouts, pulling into the driveway, stepping up to the back porch and seeing the kids in the family room watching the TV, in their pyjamas, first week of the school holidays. Coming in and having to gather them and tell them , for the first time, Dad's got cancer. Fiona asked ' Will he die?' , I replied I didn't know. Because at that point we just didn't.
We took a train into the city , we sat and watched comedy at Fed Square ( it was Melbourne Comedy Festival time) and it was hot and sunny. And I journalled afterwards that they smiled and laughed and that I was glad they did.
We had been referred to the private rooms of the head of Maxillary Facial team at the Royal Melbourne ( later referred to as Rude Doctor! ) ...and to be fair he's an excellent surgeon just lacking inter-personal skills. I was writing everything down at that appointment and he had the audacity to tell me to stop writing! Writing everything down has been a very useful tool for me in the past 5 years. You are bombarded with so much information that I don't think can always be retained as you are in such shock. I kept writing!
We drove home, with a bloody large spider on the outside of my car window, which much have came from the tree we were parked under....me in terror just about sitting on Scott's knee...knowing it's outside and I'm inside was no comfort! We knew we had to tell his parents and he couldn't , so I did. I had to email people and let them know....and so began the group email that was used to keep people up to date, here and at home in UK. The emotionally draining effort of keeping people informed made slightly easier by just having to write it once.
We didn't sleep well that night. I still don't sleep well. I think that was the start. We got up early on Good Friday morning and drove to the beach . We don't live near a beach...I wish! We sat on the boardwalk and watched the tide go in and go out as it always does. We both cried. We drove back into the city and were stopped by a giant Easter Bunny collecting money for the Sick Kids hospital as is done every Good Friday. Our new to us consultant Dr Rude, called to ask how Scott was as this large white bunny was at the car window!
On the Saturday , I journaled that we went grocery shopping ...as we still needed food and laundry needed washed. I prayed that I would 'one day being able to look back and say we beat this. Amen.'
On Easter Sunday , we went to Brighton Beach and we rolled our hard boiled eggs down the hill . We ate soup from flasks and eggy sandwiches and fruit. Our children played in the sea and sand. Fiona collected pretty shells. Scott ate chocolate eggs. I have a photo on my desk of the two of us that day, hugging, smiling but with the probable sadness in our eyes hidden by sunglasses. It's one of the last
photos of his full smile before surgery. Thick hair before having to have it buzz cut for surgery.
We came home and he slept for hours. I wrote ' Please God, give him strength to get through this with You by his side and me ...the support act'
And so began our foray into a world , so foreign before which very quickly became our norm.
Five weeks ago Scott passed away so peacefully and so gently. He was at peace with going. He had written so beautifully and eloquently to us, his family. He wrote "Let me say that the love I feel for you all right now is massive when compared to the realisation that my life will soon be at an end. That basically means my life is of little importance when compared to everything else; but my love for you cannot be overcome. My love will alway be there, unending, insurmountable"
Five weeks have come and gone , we get through each day in our own unique way. Some days are easier than others, some days are utterly awful. Each and every day reinforces what we have lost. An amazing man, a most gorgeous husband and best friend and just the best dad to our children. People
continue to say odd words..."it must have been a blessing to see him go"... Well actually no that's not
how I perceive it. I walked out of the bank last week in such distress at the way I was spoken to by a gorgon of a bank employee, screeching at me " that you do need probate!". It seems that I am with the only bank in Australia that requires probate to have access funds made out to a deceased persons estate. I won't be with that bank for much longer and was appalled at how I was spoken to. My solicitor , is also horrified and is resolving the problem for me in a much calmer manner.
Turning into a new month that Scott has never been part of has been hard. Time just ticks on regardless. Turning into a month that meant a lot to us both , to a date that for the last 5 years we have recognised and acknowledged as a massive part of our lives. Whilst I would never have chosen our cancer journey I am still grateful for what it taught me, what it showed me, who we have met along the way and for the almost 5 years extra we did have after that first diagnosis.
#highfive
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