March-ing on

How can it be the last day of March already? How can more than 4 weeks have gone since Scott passed away? How can a month so normally filled with birthday joy ; at both the start of the month and at the end have become a month filled with such different anniversaries?

A month that started off so hot and up until last few days continued in that vane, with desperate longing for cooler weather and jumpers and socks ...careful what you wish for Mhags ....fingers are cold typing this first thing this morning, enveloped in a jumper and a blanket!

A month of sadness but also insurmountable amounts of kindness and love and hope. Of messages, emails and cards with the kindest of words written in them. Of flowers and more flowers and I will never buy a lily ever again.

A month of meeting new people, of being in unfamiliar places but through kindness these places became familiar.

A month of trying to find the way to say what's happened. I was told, whilst still in hospital, I would develop a stock phrase , a way of letting people know that Scott had died...a month on and I'm still working on that one. It doesn't sound right when I say it. People get flustered . I kindly tell them it's okay whilst thinking it's not really.  Sometimes I say it first , so it's said . Yesterday I was asked 'how's your husband darl?' In the post office. I just wanted stamps. I just wanted to post a letter. I'd already had this conversation last week with her colleague , who had told me she was going to cry. I'd assumed she would now know. She didn't. I then had to tell her. It threw me.

Scott's Death Certificate arrived in the post this week ( it's a very different system here) I wasn't expecting it so soon. Had thought it would be mid April.  However, it comes in an envelope in an envelope with a request to read the back first. This advises you that the Death Certificate is enclosed
and that you may want to have a family member, a friend or your doctor with you.  Even though I
know Scott has gone...I was there! Even though we've had 2 funerals to celebrate his life . Even though we have had his ashes returned home to us . It was still difficult to read that certificate . The piece of paper that proves a point.

The mountainous pile of paperwork on my desk could now be tackled. It was all waiting on that one piece of paper. The stamps bought 2 weeks ago from the lady who wanted to cry. Envelopes addressed and stamped and air mail stickered. My poor solicitor ( is there such a thing?) yesterday had to certify 36 pieces of documentation that prove who I am, our children are, that we were married  and that Scott has died....and a random one that I can drive! He very kindly did this with no charge.

The kindness of people who have cooked us food. My freezer has never been so full of plastic tubs. Filled with tasty , home cooked meals , made with love and kindness and thoughtfulness.

My mantlepiece has been filled with cards filled with kind words and love . We have appreciated
each one.

We have donated our toys and games to our Palliative Care  ward. Walking back through those doors last week was so very, very hard. Holding those nurses in my arms and whispering thank you so much for looking after Scott was so very, very hard. Returning to a place that had been so familiar and as 'home' for our last 2 weeks together was so difficult. Returning there whilst knowing why you had left. Yet, going back was the right thing for us to do regardless of how difficult . I know how proud Scott would be of his family doing this.

We have donated money to our exact choice of location . To help in research for Head and Neck cancer. I am so pleased that we have been allowed to specify where it went. I've had lovely emails from our oncologist. He does this day in day out. He faces real people, real families . He tells them honestly yet kindly that they don't have long. He told us months ago , October, when I said we were trying to make the most of the time we had left, " you're not trying....you are doing it."

I read my journals. I read back to where we were told we didn't have terribly long left ( January 11th)
and I've written 'we must make the most of the time we have left' I read this now and just sob. There is a finality to death that you don't actually realise until it's happened. You don't get another chance. You don't get to say the things you should have said. Should have found out. It's too late .

We did live, we did love and we certainly laughed. We still live, we still love and we still certainly laugh but we now also miss... a husband , a father. The most amazing man.