Fourteen Days

Fourteen days, two weeks, one fortnight...that's how long I've been without my husband. It's truly awful.

When you are given a terminal diagnosis you are given pamphlets, booklets, leaflets that all in a round about way 'prepare you for death' ...with titles like ' emotions and cancer ' , ' preparing to lose a loved one' , 'dealing with dying' . They are quite upsetting to read. There is a stark reality that this will happen to you.

When you are given a terminal diagnosis , people around you ( near and far) don't really know what to say. Sometimes they say lovely , kind things other times they say rather insensitive things...I was told more than once that I was lucky to have this time , knowing my husband would die rather than dying suddenly. It is not lucky to watch your husband and to watch your children watch their father deteriorate, be ill through chemotherapy, be in such distress through radiotherapy.

It's not helpful to be asked ' ooooh have you heard of this treatment or that treatment? ' ' it really works...it is miraculous '  we would just sigh, look at each other and explain that Scott's cancer was now actually incurable ...there was no cure. It was a terminal diagnosis.

It is not helpful when people have said ' I never actually believed it would happen....I didn't think he would die' . Really? We always knew. Scott knew...he was mentally prepared. He was accepting. He was not scared. ( That's been another question ...'ooooh was he scared?' )

So for us who did know, who had accepted  it there were funeral services to be considered. Scott put a lot of thought into his music choices. I have been playing them for 8 months to make them more familiar , to be less confronting. On the day we were told he had days to live ( prior to becoming whirling dervishes of silver wedding party planners) he said ....I don't know if I want them  anymore...so he was told he'd better make up his mind and quickly!  His original choices stayed .

We had always intended there be 2 services, one here in Melbourne and one at home in Kilmarnock in our home church. Where we were married , where our children were baptised , where we worshipped. When we were home for our brief farewell trip I wept in church as I knew the next time would be for his funeral service. It was important for us that his family and friends also had an opportunity to mourn...in a celebratory way!

So although I read the booklets, the pamphlets, had thorough preparatory discussions with oncologists, social workers , nurses, Scott himself, it seems that it does not actually prepare you for the overwhelmingly sense of loss and emptiness that I feel. In the last two  weeks we have met two  very special women, one being our Funeral Director. She has given us as much time with Scott as we wanted. She said it was okay to stick his ' I'd rather be riding my Suzuki' sticker on his coffin. ( he bought this for me 6 months ago for this very purpose) , she has laughed with us and has shed tears at his funeral at the same time we did. Her kindness and generosity of time has meant that there was
familiarity with the space we would be saying farewell to Scott. We were allowed to play his
favourite music loudly on Monday night ...I'm sure wherever he is he'd have heard it...we were even allowed to see Isla's dance moves to certain songs...seems her and her dad would play their music loud on the way home from late night parties! They had their own moves!
She kindly phoned me on the morning of the funeral ,' how was I ? ' ...'okay.'..not really okay and ended up in tears saying that I did not know how to do today. Did I want to come back in again?...yes I did and back I went to see how everything was set up . To see the coffin, now closed , with his boots and hat and photo and beautiful flowers on top. And a collage of photos in a big frame , each one a beautiful memory. Our memory jar ...still to be filled with our guests memories of Scott.
And in all in her kind words and actions she allowed me and my children the opportunity to farewell my husband / their beloved dad in the way the that he wanted, that we wanted.

Our other remarkable woman was our celebrant who led Scott's service. She too is kind and funny and generous of time . She too made a difficult task a bit easier. She used her words to link everything but most importantly she used my words and Scott's words. Scott wrote the most beautiful letter to the children and myself the week before he died. It is stunning and will be read at both services. Our
celebrant, too, had an emotional moment reading it out.
She gave me a wink after reading out the poem 'The Winged Skye ' and managed to say the Gaelic phrase 'Eilean Mor Sgiathach'...well enough ...no one else there would have known  anyway! Thank you to a friend's daughter for providing the correct pronunciation!
She too made a difficult situation easier for us.

It was very odd coming home to a houseful of people already  there! Strange walking into your home and everyone was there already. A friend had kindly gone ahead to open up and take everything out of the fridge...all ready just to be plated up...even the cream was in the piping bag for meringues...it was just too blooming hot to put anything out before hand. Friends had travelled interstate  to be with us.They shared their time with us and I shared my cakes with them. It was good to spend that extra time with our friends who came back to our home.

For now , it is one day at a time. We are encouraged by continuing messages of support , stunned by donations to  our Go Fund Me account. I know that Scott would be so humbled by people's generosity and we know that all money raised will be put to good use and provide for others going through a similar situation as we did.


I am often asked if I will be returning to Scotland to live. The answer to that is no. For now Australia is home. Our children are educated and work here . Our life is here. Our new life without Scott by our sides is here. This is where he wanted us to be . Even with day after day of interminable heat I am
always hopeful that cooler days are ahead.

Thank you for continued love and kindess and if you manage  to go to Scott's service in Kilmarnock enjoy an empire biscuit or snowball...his favourites!  Please write a message in the book that will be passed around so we know who was there. Sing the hymns  with gusto because you can. Scott couldn't sing after his surgeries , he would still give it a try but it just didn't work..so do it for him!

Please make the most of everyday and do look for silver linings...they are there , just sometimes hidden from plain view. Life really is for living!