Day 50

It's fifty days since Scott died. Fifty whole days . How can that even be such a big number already?

How can it have been a whole seven weeks and then onto the start of the next week without him here? 

There's still a newness to it all, a freshness, a gasp of horror when you check the mail box and realise mail is addressed to him ...as a fabulous customer the car showroom have given him a free photo shoot experience worth $750, then the next envelope contains a condolence card from the local health authority with thanks for donations made after his funeral. Then the final letter contains yet more bloody forms to be filled out by his superannuation company. Last week's mail contained a survey from the ambulance company about his recent trip to the palliative care ward. I realise they are most likely computer generated but still difficult to open and read and then react . 

As a sense of otherwise normality encompasses our home, kids in, kids out, dog fed, dog walked, dinners cooked ( though still cooking for 5 ) , washings on, washings out, washings back in again , grass grows, grass cut, grass grows again.  There's an odd sense of disbelief . A sense that Scott could just walk back in ( and before anyone rings the psychiatrist, I know he won't) and that all would be well...and  there would certainly be enough food there to feed him! 

I've started back at work , this is my third week. I just work in the mornings. I only have to be nice to the general public for a few hours each day. I had my first experience of annoyed customers on Tuesday and was slightly distressed by it all. On reflection , I realised that luckily I'm just normally surrounded by kindness and this ( apart from horrid bank harridan) was unusual. I've spent the past 5 months in the company of a caring profession who one would hope tend not to shout at their customers down the phone! 

Easter was our first one without him. I found it hard. I find everyday a bit hard though. However friends seemed to unwittingly rally round me and I was either visited, went visiting or was taken out
for lunch. These groups of friends are not in contact with each other so it felt all encompassing to be wrapped in friendship for the whole weekend. 

It's fifty days since I've spoken and had a response. I'm still speaking....just not getting replied to! 

It's fifty days since I've hugged and held my husband in my arms , If you  still can then please hold them and tell them you love them , because you can.

It's fifty days since my life changed,since my children's lives changed.

Fifty.