Thankfulness

Today is Thanksgiving Day ...now whilst ostensibly an American tradition and certainly not a Scotian/ Australian one , today we are adopting it in our household and being thankful for what we have and a chance to use up pumpkins and sweet potates! 

I've had a touch of blog writers block, quite often not terribly much to write and then when I do it's hard to find the right words. So today I am going to concentrate on what we do have to be thankful for. 

This week we've spent 3 days at Peter Mac....we have met and chatted with such lovely, kind and caring people and whilst their news hasn't been great it's been delivered in a kind and thoughtful way. We've enjoyed the craic with what's seemed  like an Irish nurse invasion yesterday which was lovely. I am thankful to each and every one of them that delivers  their care to Scott in a manner of respect, kindness , consideration and often humour. It's good to still be able to smile. 

I am thankful for our much cooler and wetter Melbourne weather....we went from 38o on Monday to 14o on Tuesday. I may be in the minority of preferring wet and cold but 38o is truly horrid. Poor Fiona had her birthday and we just languished in the heat, promised birthday dinner finally made on Wednesday night and birthday dinner was ordered by app and delivered with a very loud knock at the door ( doorbell still doesn't work). 

I am thankful that it is so almost and within touching distance ....school holidays. 2 full days left for Isla but because she is a 2017 school leader she has to go back in over next 2 weeks and introduce the new pupils of 2017 around....bet she never thought of that in her inspiring vote for me speech! I am thankful that uniforms shall be out of sight and out of mind for 8 weeks. I am always thankful that her amazing school is a place of inspiration and achievement ....I am very thankful exams are over! 

I am thankful for my dog...everyday I look at him and am so glad we chose him and all his funny ways. He is on a diet...vets orders! He has to lose 4kg and is currently about to embark on week 2 of starvation ( he's a Labrador ...they are always starving!) . Those big, brown , feed me mum eyes...it's been as hard for us as it is for you Haggis. Honestly..He just knows when one of us needs a cuddle. Is usually very gentle with Scott and will clamber up delicately ( as delicately as a slightly overweight Labrador can) and lay a head down on a lap.

I am always thankful for my family. My world. I am thankful that we have each other and are living in the here and now and 'what's for dinner ? ' is a genuine daily concern for Ruaraidh. I am thankful that we have this time to be together and can still laugh and tease each other and that hugs abound ...though not on a hot day...those are air hug days! ' oh, you are sweaty!' is never a compliment! I am thankful that they all have jobs and that school / uni is almost done and summer lies ahead ....just not too hot, please! I am thankful that no matter what lies ahead for us as a family we will go through it together. 

I am thankful that my marriage is a happy one. We don't get a happy ever after ending but we do get all the bits in between. He is my inspiration. We are about to start on a new chemotherapy treatment and have been told that Scott's hair may grow back! Chemotherapy is palliative , to slow things down , to give us more time. It's not a cure. It comes with a list of potential side effects and instructions to put the toilet lid down when you flush....pee will be cytotoxic! I am thankful that we have this time together. I have recently given up work to make the most of this time. I won't ever get this time back so it's important to me to spend it with Scott and my family. I've gone back 13 years to full time mum...so that makes me around 34 ...I shall take that! 

I am always, always grateful to support from friends and family , near and far. Without encouragement , friendship, love , a listening ear this whole journey would have been much harder. Often people don't know what to say but just to say ' it's crap!' ( or words to that effect ) is often enough. Sometimes people say the most ( in my view) inappropriate and stupid things and I wish they'd shut up and just stop with the talking....but I supoose I should be thankful they care enough to say something....anything....random crappy platitudes! 

So Happy Thanksgiving one and all....I have a dog to go and feed breakfast to. His first favourite meal of the day! 

#thanks

#merci

#dankeschon

#taverymuch

Care-ful

I was reminded ( by my husband) this morning that I've not blogged in a while, just getting on with life really and I don't always have anything particularly exciting to write about!

I'm recovering from surgery on Monday and as Scott is feeling very poorly from last week's fifth chemo cycle I am not receiving the care and attention I had hoped for. I had planned on languishing on a sofa and having grapes peeled for me and drinks served with a straw ...strangely this has not happened. Instead Scott is languishing on a sofa and having drinks with a straw and I have been peeling his oranges!

I don't particularly like  not being in control or independent. I'm not allowed to drive for 2 weeks or lift anything heavy, do anything strenuous so feeling slightly frustrated at my inability. I have just done an online supermarket shop ....with instructions to knock on the front door loudly as the door bell doesn't work! The time it took to manoeuvre round the online site I could have nipped out to the supermarket and had the groceries unpacked in my cupboards!

I have written a list of please do these chores for my fully grown children but they are either at school/ doing an exam for uni or supposed to be doing an essay for uni and I know that although the things will be done at some point today they won't be done immediately and I will be further frustrated! I shall just have to practice the art of being a patient patient.

I know I have to look after myself, take care of me , sit on my backside for longer than I normally do but when you are very used to being the person who does for others , who just does....it's hard to slow down and stop.


Twice, in the last few weeks I have been described as my husband's carer. The first 3 weeks ago when I was invited to afternoon tea to celebrate National Carers Week at our palliative care centre. The invitation upset me ( but everything that week upset me) , I don't think of myself as Scott's carer. I am Scott's wife ( and admittedly I do care about him !) I wasn't going to go but there was a lovely photo of a scone with jam and cream on the front so ever hopeful I went along. Having phoned and left a voicemail accepting the invite , I took it the name badge with MARGEE typed on it was for me...Australians don't always pick up on Mhaggie , they hear Margy , I then say Mhaggie ( the H is silent) , they say yes Margy...I say no R.....this goes on until one of us is exhausted and admits defeat! So with my name badge on and MARGEE scored out I went into the scone and jam and cream room ( loads of them!) . There were more scones than there were people. There were also more widows than there were wives! Myself and another lady Judy , were the only ones who had not been recently bereaved. I found this so distressing. There were tears. There were laughs. There were smiles and then more tears. From all of us. There were leftover scones that came home with me.

The second time I was described as my husband's carer was in Monday as I came round fromanaesthetic. I was very distressed as I came round as I remembered how ill Scott was and how difficult it was leaving him on Monday morning to go to hospital. Every morning my first thought is with him and every night my last thought is with him so to come out of an anaesthetic, very befuddled and woozy and to remember just felt like a bad dream but unfortunately a real bad dream. The nurse could see that I was upset and was concerned. We'd already done analgesia, switched from horrid big mask to nasal prongs, I'd assured her that no the light wasn't too bright yet still I was upset. I then said my husband's not well....ah yes, you are your husband's carer aren't you? When the time came for me to go up to the ward , she handed over to a lovely nurse and said Mhaggie is her husband's carer ....she is upset....plus blah, blah, blah what I'd had donee.



I don't want to be identified as my husband's carer. I don't want to be called MARGEE...(.screams no R!)...I just want to be Scott's wife who cares very muchly. I want him to get better soon as this being poorly nonsense has went on long enough...I want my grapes peeled , my shopping delivered and the list of chores done pronto!

#frustrated


#toomuchtoask?