I have a headache. It might be lack of sleep, it might have been the icing topped , jam doughnut or it might be all ths stuff rattling around inside my head at the moment. So I will attempt to get some of the many words rushing around inside my head out in print and maybe it will make a bit of space.
( it's probably a combination of all 3 but I think the chocolate icing topped, raspberry jam doughnut with chocolate sprinkles was too much sugar...though 'twas delicious at the time)
We had a massive day yesterday , I don't think they come any bigger. We were told Scott's cancer is terminal. As in nothing more can be done. As in there is no cure. As in surgery won't cut it ( pun intended) this time. As in " we would now like you to meet the Palliative Care Team" ..we met them ,they are lovely. But really? Are we really ready to be introduced to them? Yes, we are and we are going to absolutely need the help and support they will give Scott and all of us as a family.
How do you tell your children Dad's got terminal cancer? It's a bit like all the other times you've had to them Dad's got ordinary cancer. But this time it's worse. It really doesn't get any harder as a mum to break your children's hearts, to watch those hearts break down in front of you , to know that a little bit of their hearts will never mend as the day they found out their fabulous, amazing Dad won't be around forever. He won't be there for graduations, for weddings, for grandchildren. He won't be there for late night cup of tea sharing. For picking up in the back of beyond at the end of the night , bloody hell , he won't be here for anything. For birthdays, for anniversaries, for last thing at night dog walks, for just nip out for milk car journeys. For coffees , for cake. For asking silly questions to and getting perfectly sensible replies to. For knowing how to do things just because he does.
Having to anticipate a time when their Dad's not there is just something they should not have to experience. Fiona said last night, " I miss him already and he's in the next room" , she had said a couple of weeks ago that "Dad has to wear his kilt at my graduation" and I sat quietly knowing he probably won't be here to see Ruaraidh's and certainly not hers. At this stage Scott and I both knew what was likely to be ahead but were waiting confirmation of biopsies before we told them.
We have been told to make the most of the time we have left , we need to learn how to live in a happy now ( whilst projecting to a very different then) , we need to make every day count, relish every moment, become a walking talking book of inspirational quotes to stay focused on what we do, still have...we still have each other..
We still have life, we still have lots and lots of love and we are still laughing ..in between sobs.
You are amazing x
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