I will include last year's opening post at the end of this one but oddly there's a number of similarities but also huge differences in what I wrote then. I wrote of new normals, of taking a day at a time and then watching as they merged into weeks . I wrote of fear of cancer returning....well,that one came true!
Currently I'm trying to, I suppose, ascertain a new set of normals. Not really sure what normal is anymore but would like there to be a sense of normality in my life , a sense of control in what I do.
I don't think normal is having cups of peppermint tea & chatting in coffee shops everyday ( however nice that is to catch up with friends) , I don't think normal is just working mornings, I don't think normal is sending emails about my late husband to bloody pension companies yet these are all things that have became standard in the past few weeks. I don't think it's normal being 4 not 5. I don't think it's normal having to budget on a very tight budget ...because no one seems to think it's a matter of urgency or even just plain mannerly to respond to my emails! So I continue to search for my new normal.
Yesterday I stepped in to Peter Mac for the first time since 13th February . When I was there then I had a husband , who was very poorly, we had a had a bad weekend. We had not been listened to by a new doctor on the Friday, he caused me much distress. We went back to see him that Monday and I told him exactly what I thought, what I wanted and he concurred that would happen. Two days later Scott was so ill he needed admitted to Palliative Care , something that Peter Mac doesn't offer. So I don't have the association of Scott dying there, like I do every time I go past / near ONJ. I really
wasn't sure how my reaction to going back in to Peter Mac would be. I had things to return;
nutritional cartons, dressing packs, home care notes. " just call in when you're passing! " . They've been on my very long mental to do list. ( it includes things like sell a motorbike, email bloody
pension companies again!). My friend kindly drove me there, kindly kept on chatting whilst I sat sobbing as we approached the part of the city our hospitals were in. Scott and I had been backwards and forwards at these hospitals for over 5 years. It's a very familiar part of town for us. So when I walked in yesterday I was totally overwhelmed . Overwhelmed by the reason I was there. Returning
things because my husband died. Overwhelmed with not being there with him. Overwhelmed by everyone else being there for a purpose . There is such a sense of quiet camaraderie when you are in waiting rooms , you're all there for the same reason, whether as the patient or the companion.
There is no amount of preparation, of anticipation that helps you become a better widow. It's not my natural role...I was much better at being a wife. When you think you can't possibly cry more tears but yes you actually can. I would never have thought it was as difficult to get a response out of blooming pension companies ( I'm dealing with 6 different companies...all equally inconsiderate when it comes to dealing with a grief stricken yet still strong minded woman) . I am concerned over those women who may not be so strong / financially astute. What becomes of them?
Onwards, just onwards for now. Days still being taken one at a time but quickly merge into weeks (11 of them) . Please love your loved ones. Live life because you can and laugh...or at least smile. There is much kindness in our lives for which we are grateful.
Last year's blog :
Ah, yes! My blog! Not many mutterings have been made on it. A constant on my mental 'to do' list but to be fair it's a very long list. Anyway, let's start again, let's write a blog, let's mutter away to a hearts content.An opportunity to chatter away to myself and whoever may eventually read this.
Looking Forward :
How do you allow yourself to look forward again, to anticipate a future , to think freely and without worry ? How do you learn to do that again once a cancer diagnosis takes that joy of planning ahead away , not once but twice. How indeed.
I've always been a plan a -header , always a count down-er, a relish-er of the the challenge of a plan, the delicious anticipation of a list to be written and then joyfully ticked off or maybe even scored out.
Life suddenly changes when cancer enters your household , it takes priority, it supersedes even the most set in stone plans. It has to be dealt with .
You deal with it. You take one slow day at a time, slowly. You get through each day , realise that one week has passed , then another , then a month or so and then here we are one whole year post diganosis of cancer part 2. I am learning to dare to look ahead , to plan some events in the future ( though not too far ahead...that would be flighty!)
However, that sense of taking every day as it comes, alonst came crashing down again last weekend. We had a scare, we thought another lesion had grown , that stomach clenching grip of fear returned , that utter terror that cancer was back, that acknowledgement that behind the smile, behind the happy persona lies a constant fear . It resides inside me , usually kept bubbling under the surface but on occasion like at the weekend when 'hello' out it pops. As it happens ( thankfully, so thankfully) it was not another lesion , it has been checked at hospital and reassurances given . I'm left with a sense of ' well, it's okay ...for now' and 'let's not get too carried away with this planning ahead business.'
However, life is for living and loving and laughing. It's for looking forward , whether that's to tomorrow or to next month or to next year. It's for making the most of each day. Here's to making each day count.
Looking Forward :
How do you allow yourself to look forward again, to anticipate a future , to think freely and without worry ? How do you learn to do that again once a cancer diagnosis takes that joy of planning ahead away , not once but twice. How indeed.
I've always been a plan a -header , always a count down-er, a relish-er of the the challenge of a plan, the delicious anticipation of a list to be written and then joyfully ticked off or maybe even scored out.
Life suddenly changes when cancer enters your household , it takes priority, it supersedes even the most set in stone plans. It has to be dealt with .
You deal with it. You take one slow day at a time, slowly. You get through each day , realise that one week has passed , then another , then a month or so and then here we are one whole year post diganosis of cancer part 2. I am learning to dare to look ahead , to plan some events in the future ( though not too far ahead...that would be flighty!)
However, that sense of taking every day as it comes, alonst came crashing down again last weekend. We had a scare, we thought another lesion had grown , that stomach clenching grip of fear returned , that utter terror that cancer was back, that acknowledgement that behind the smile, behind the happy persona lies a constant fear . It resides inside me , usually kept bubbling under the surface but on occasion like at the weekend when 'hello' out it pops. As it happens ( thankfully, so thankfully) it was not another lesion , it has been checked at hospital and reassurances given . I'm left with a sense of ' well, it's okay ...for now' and 'let's not get too carried away with this planning ahead business.'
However, life is for living and loving and laughing. It's for looking forward , whether that's to tomorrow or to next month or to next year. It's for making the most of each day. Here's to making each day count.
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