Today was the day operation get the house ready for m-early Christmas went into overdrive. Big trees...one super skinny and one super tall were put up by 2 over grown children , who required bribing before any branches were even brought out the box. There's always the potential element of surprise/ danger when putting the trees up. They live in the garage ...spiders also live in the garage. Luckily no spiders were found...this time! Haggis Dog, who does love a stick was quite excited at the trees going up in front of him.
There's a comfort in putting familiar, favourite decorations up but also , this year , a sadness. Sad because the reason we are doing m-early Christmas is that Scott will definitely with us , he will be able to share a Christmas meal, be able to talk with us, laugh with us. We don't know what the situation will be come December. The day we were given a terminal diagnosis , I asked , through mutters, snots and tears whether we would see Christmas together ...sobbing ...'I love Christmas ', our consultant very kindly and quietly suggested we hold it earlier , hence we are having our Christmas next Sunday.
I never knew until today just how sad some of our favourite Christmas songs are . Bit of a sobfest going on ...luckily I had a Fiona there to say 'Do you need another hug? ' and never making it seem like a chore as with bottom lip stuck out I'd nod yes! Every single decoration has a meaning, a memory, lots of them are heart shaped...my favourite shape. Some bought when the kids were small, some when the kids were big, lots bought in Scotland and brought here and lots more bought over here. Some are from friends and the love in which they were given is remembered each time they are hung up. Some are back of the tree decorations...must go up but stay out of sight! My little fairy is 55 years old and rolled out every year. She sits aloft the tree and surveys all that goes on...no doubt watching a naughty dog boy stealing baubles!
So that's the reason for our early season. To be together, to live , to love and to laugh and to shout at naughty dogs.
Sunday, 31 July 2016
Wednesday, 27 July 2016
Journies
We make many journies as we travel along life. We meet people, see new things, learn new ways , continue with old ways , sometimes our journey is smooth and easy and at other times it's a bit bumpy and a bit difficult. None of us know what's ahead of us , what's to come, what's waiting around the next corner.
As a family, we are now on a journey we had never hoped to be but we don't have much say in where life takes you, so we are going along for the ride. Seat belts firmly buckled and the brace position practised. ( can you tell I'm about to spend the next 25 hours on an aeroplane?)
We can see Scott's tumour progressing, we have been alarmed at the speed in which it has changed but we are reassured that these changes would have taken place in Melbourne or Kilmarnock, making this epic journey home has not sped things up.
What do you do when you know your husband is dying , that your children's father is dying ...but not as he says 'dead yet' , do you allow yourself to wallow in grief or do you put your best smile on and try and make the best of each hour, each day? Do you cry endless tears or do you laugh out loud because right now you still can together? What do you do when you thought you had a lifetime of conversations still to have? Do you sit and sob or do you still keep talking because you still can?
What do you do when you know this will be the last time you do something together ? Last Thursday we flew into Scotland for the last time together, today we will leave Scotland for the last time together . Do you weep and wail or do you hold a hand tighter , never wanting to let go? What do you do when you see your husband say goodbye to his family , his friends and know that, that's it for them? They won't see him again, they won't be hugged tightly again. Do you weep and wail or do you push on through the emotional pain barrier and smile your brightest smile?
What you do do is bank all the love, the friendship, the kindess and most of all the laughter we have shared this past week. It's been a very bitter sweet week as we all know that this was a farewell trip, a time to be with those we wanted to be with. We feel very buoyed up on love and friendship that will sustain us through our lowly days.
We have to make the most of the good days, the well days whilst we can. We have to smile and laugh ( tears do fall but there will be plenty time for them in times to come ) , we have to make the most of life, it is for living and making the most of. We are under no illusions as to what the end destination is for our family. We don't have a happy ending but we have to try and make the journey as happy as we can. If we spent all day sad and crying we wouldn't see the simple pleasures that abound around us.
Life is absolutely for living and for loving and most definitely laughing .
As a family, we are now on a journey we had never hoped to be but we don't have much say in where life takes you, so we are going along for the ride. Seat belts firmly buckled and the brace position practised. ( can you tell I'm about to spend the next 25 hours on an aeroplane?)
We can see Scott's tumour progressing, we have been alarmed at the speed in which it has changed but we are reassured that these changes would have taken place in Melbourne or Kilmarnock, making this epic journey home has not sped things up.
What do you do when you know your husband is dying , that your children's father is dying ...but not as he says 'dead yet' , do you allow yourself to wallow in grief or do you put your best smile on and try and make the best of each hour, each day? Do you cry endless tears or do you laugh out loud because right now you still can together? What do you do when you thought you had a lifetime of conversations still to have? Do you sit and sob or do you still keep talking because you still can?
What do you do when you know this will be the last time you do something together ? Last Thursday we flew into Scotland for the last time together, today we will leave Scotland for the last time together . Do you weep and wail or do you hold a hand tighter , never wanting to let go? What do you do when you see your husband say goodbye to his family , his friends and know that, that's it for them? They won't see him again, they won't be hugged tightly again. Do you weep and wail or do you push on through the emotional pain barrier and smile your brightest smile?
What you do do is bank all the love, the friendship, the kindess and most of all the laughter we have shared this past week. It's been a very bitter sweet week as we all know that this was a farewell trip, a time to be with those we wanted to be with. We feel very buoyed up on love and friendship that will sustain us through our lowly days.
We have to make the most of the good days, the well days whilst we can. We have to smile and laugh ( tears do fall but there will be plenty time for them in times to come ) , we have to make the most of life, it is for living and making the most of. We are under no illusions as to what the end destination is for our family. We don't have a happy ending but we have to try and make the journey as happy as we can. If we spent all day sad and crying we wouldn't see the simple pleasures that abound around us.
Life is absolutely for living and for loving and most definitely laughing .
Thursday, 7 July 2016
Paperwork schmaperwork
I am looking for a particular set of paperwork that has moved house three times, crossed the world and will be somewhere in the boxes in the garage that we've never needed .
Whilst looking I found a letter from my lovely Dundee Granny , written in 1986, probably just before she died. Anyway her final line to me was 'keep writing '. I think that's a very good idea Granny and I think I need to keep writing , certainly at the moment. It gives me some clarity of thought , creates a semblance of order to a jumble of thoughts .
So whilst trying to find the paperwork ( which remains elusive but it's a big garage!) we are now ankle deep in photographs , kids schoolwork , memories. We have topped up the recycling bin, shared disbelief at why on earth some things actually emigrated with us and taken loads of stuff over to Salvos ( charity shop or op shop as we call them here) . We've laughed at Scott's hair dos's over the years ( mine never really changes ) we had to phone him to see what exactly his part in ' A Christmas Cracker ' at St Kentigern's Church, circa 1982. A skit apparently involving a custard pie!
I've ( perhaps cruelly) consigned a box of his cassette tapes to the Salvos....vintage ZZ top anyone ....anyone with a cassette player ? Maybe some ageing rocker with a mullet will appreciate it!
I've screamed at cobwebs and one large daddy long leg spider, I've blown away dust covered boxes, but most of all I've smiled. Smiled at photos of a young ( much slimmer , not a grey hair in sight) me and young him. We have 28 years of photos ....many in the day before the delete button, when you took your film to the chemist to get developed. We have 28 years of memories , all happy, all good. We survived the shell suit years , the Sweater Shop jumper years, we even got through the double denim years!
We've found photos of kids parties, cuttings from newspapers, jotters from primary 1. " what an exciting story Ruaraidh " or classic Isla " lovely start to your story...how about an ending?' We have much to do before the inevitable happens. Affairs to be put in order. Lists to be added to , lists to be ticked off. Just so much stuff but if we can do some of it with a smile then it's not all bad, is it?
I thank each and everyone of you for your kindness, your love , your thoughts and your prayers. I agree with you, there ain't much to say , words are so inadequate at times. But for now I will keep sharing my words and hope you don't mind reading
Whilst looking I found a letter from my lovely Dundee Granny , written in 1986, probably just before she died. Anyway her final line to me was 'keep writing '. I think that's a very good idea Granny and I think I need to keep writing , certainly at the moment. It gives me some clarity of thought , creates a semblance of order to a jumble of thoughts .
So whilst trying to find the paperwork ( which remains elusive but it's a big garage!) we are now ankle deep in photographs , kids schoolwork , memories. We have topped up the recycling bin, shared disbelief at why on earth some things actually emigrated with us and taken loads of stuff over to Salvos ( charity shop or op shop as we call them here) . We've laughed at Scott's hair dos's over the years ( mine never really changes ) we had to phone him to see what exactly his part in ' A Christmas Cracker ' at St Kentigern's Church, circa 1982. A skit apparently involving a custard pie!
I've ( perhaps cruelly) consigned a box of his cassette tapes to the Salvos....vintage ZZ top anyone ....anyone with a cassette player ? Maybe some ageing rocker with a mullet will appreciate it!
I've screamed at cobwebs and one large daddy long leg spider, I've blown away dust covered boxes, but most of all I've smiled. Smiled at photos of a young ( much slimmer , not a grey hair in sight) me and young him. We have 28 years of photos ....many in the day before the delete button, when you took your film to the chemist to get developed. We have 28 years of memories , all happy, all good. We survived the shell suit years , the Sweater Shop jumper years, we even got through the double denim years!
We've found photos of kids parties, cuttings from newspapers, jotters from primary 1. " what an exciting story Ruaraidh " or classic Isla " lovely start to your story...how about an ending?' We have much to do before the inevitable happens. Affairs to be put in order. Lists to be added to , lists to be ticked off. Just so much stuff but if we can do some of it with a smile then it's not all bad, is it?
I thank each and everyone of you for your kindness, your love , your thoughts and your prayers. I agree with you, there ain't much to say , words are so inadequate at times. But for now I will keep sharing my words and hope you don't mind reading
Wednesday, 6 July 2016
The morning after the day before....
I have a headache. It might be lack of sleep, it might have been the icing topped , jam doughnut or it might be all ths stuff rattling around inside my head at the moment. So I will attempt to get some of the many words rushing around inside my head out in print and maybe it will make a bit of space.
( it's probably a combination of all 3 but I think the chocolate icing topped, raspberry jam doughnut with chocolate sprinkles was too much sugar...though 'twas delicious at the time)
We had a massive day yesterday , I don't think they come any bigger. We were told Scott's cancer is terminal. As in nothing more can be done. As in there is no cure. As in surgery won't cut it ( pun intended) this time. As in " we would now like you to meet the Palliative Care Team" ..we met them ,they are lovely. But really? Are we really ready to be introduced to them? Yes, we are and we are going to absolutely need the help and support they will give Scott and all of us as a family.
How do you tell your children Dad's got terminal cancer? It's a bit like all the other times you've had to them Dad's got ordinary cancer. But this time it's worse. It really doesn't get any harder as a mum to break your children's hearts, to watch those hearts break down in front of you , to know that a little bit of their hearts will never mend as the day they found out their fabulous, amazing Dad won't be around forever. He won't be there for graduations, for weddings, for grandchildren. He won't be there for late night cup of tea sharing. For picking up in the back of beyond at the end of the night , bloody hell , he won't be here for anything. For birthdays, for anniversaries, for last thing at night dog walks, for just nip out for milk car journeys. For coffees , for cake. For asking silly questions to and getting perfectly sensible replies to. For knowing how to do things just because he does.
Having to anticipate a time when their Dad's not there is just something they should not have to experience. Fiona said last night, " I miss him already and he's in the next room" , she had said a couple of weeks ago that "Dad has to wear his kilt at my graduation" and I sat quietly knowing he probably won't be here to see Ruaraidh's and certainly not hers. At this stage Scott and I both knew what was likely to be ahead but were waiting confirmation of biopsies before we told them.
We have been told to make the most of the time we have left , we need to learn how to live in a happy now ( whilst projecting to a very different then) , we need to make every day count, relish every moment, become a walking talking book of inspirational quotes to stay focused on what we do, still have...we still have each other..
We still have life, we still have lots and lots of love and we are still laughing ..in between sobs.
( it's probably a combination of all 3 but I think the chocolate icing topped, raspberry jam doughnut with chocolate sprinkles was too much sugar...though 'twas delicious at the time)
We had a massive day yesterday , I don't think they come any bigger. We were told Scott's cancer is terminal. As in nothing more can be done. As in there is no cure. As in surgery won't cut it ( pun intended) this time. As in " we would now like you to meet the Palliative Care Team" ..we met them ,they are lovely. But really? Are we really ready to be introduced to them? Yes, we are and we are going to absolutely need the help and support they will give Scott and all of us as a family.
How do you tell your children Dad's got terminal cancer? It's a bit like all the other times you've had to them Dad's got ordinary cancer. But this time it's worse. It really doesn't get any harder as a mum to break your children's hearts, to watch those hearts break down in front of you , to know that a little bit of their hearts will never mend as the day they found out their fabulous, amazing Dad won't be around forever. He won't be there for graduations, for weddings, for grandchildren. He won't be there for late night cup of tea sharing. For picking up in the back of beyond at the end of the night , bloody hell , he won't be here for anything. For birthdays, for anniversaries, for last thing at night dog walks, for just nip out for milk car journeys. For coffees , for cake. For asking silly questions to and getting perfectly sensible replies to. For knowing how to do things just because he does.
Having to anticipate a time when their Dad's not there is just something they should not have to experience. Fiona said last night, " I miss him already and he's in the next room" , she had said a couple of weeks ago that "Dad has to wear his kilt at my graduation" and I sat quietly knowing he probably won't be here to see Ruaraidh's and certainly not hers. At this stage Scott and I both knew what was likely to be ahead but were waiting confirmation of biopsies before we told them.
We have been told to make the most of the time we have left , we need to learn how to live in a happy now ( whilst projecting to a very different then) , we need to make every day count, relish every moment, become a walking talking book of inspirational quotes to stay focused on what we do, still have...we still have each other..
We still have life, we still have lots and lots of love and we are still laughing ..in between sobs.
Tuesday, 5 July 2016
Bursting Bubbles...
Writing this in the car waiting to board The Spirit of Tasmania ii, which will take us back to Melbourne , take us back to 'The Mainland' as us would be islanders call it. It will take us back to the harsh reality of our life and my perfect , little holiday bubble will burst.
We've had a most wonderful week , staying in a perfect little cottage which overlooked the sea.
Beautifully decorated, fabulously equipped with all you could need, the only noise being the laughing kookaburras, the seabirds , the occasional rain shower on the roof and Haggis barking if anyone came near the jetty! We had little scampering bunny rabbits running through the garden.
We've been blessed with mainly good weather , considering it's mid winter. Pouring rain yesterday and the start of our drive today but all is calm in Devonport as we plan to sail the Bass Strait.
My mornings have been spent listening first of all to the kookaburras wake up , then they can't help but wake up the other birds and so the day starts. The sun rises behind the hills to the left of the cottage and creeps up and over as a new day starts and reflects gloriously over the sea.
Haggis has had the best time ever and has ran in and out of the sea so many times. He's in his element. He is a joy to watch and his happiness is shared by all of us.
The scenery has been stunning all the way and is similar in places to the west coast of Scotland. The beaches are stunning, cove after cove , stunning view and then drive round a corner and there's another one , even nicer.
We've caught up with friends which has been lovely meeting them on their turf. Haggis met his match in the West Highland terrier pup Arthur...big lab chased by wee white ball of fluff! Hilarious.
But in amongst all the beauty, the tranquility our truth was never faraway. And no matter how hard I have tried to live in the here and now our future is now uncertain. Scott has been rediagnosed with cancer and our hearts are heavy with sadness, with fear , with love struggling to cope with an awareness of what is likely ahead.
As soon as we get off this ship in the morning we head straight to hospital to find out what's ahead. As a family we face tough times and I pray for strength to be guided through this .
When I dared to look to look forward it was only ever as far as this Tasmania Trip.
Still living, still loving and absolutely still laughing loud like a kookaburra
X
We've had a most wonderful week , staying in a perfect little cottage which overlooked the sea.
Beautifully decorated, fabulously equipped with all you could need, the only noise being the laughing kookaburras, the seabirds , the occasional rain shower on the roof and Haggis barking if anyone came near the jetty! We had little scampering bunny rabbits running through the garden.
We've been blessed with mainly good weather , considering it's mid winter. Pouring rain yesterday and the start of our drive today but all is calm in Devonport as we plan to sail the Bass Strait.
My mornings have been spent listening first of all to the kookaburras wake up , then they can't help but wake up the other birds and so the day starts. The sun rises behind the hills to the left of the cottage and creeps up and over as a new day starts and reflects gloriously over the sea.
Haggis has had the best time ever and has ran in and out of the sea so many times. He's in his element. He is a joy to watch and his happiness is shared by all of us.
The scenery has been stunning all the way and is similar in places to the west coast of Scotland. The beaches are stunning, cove after cove , stunning view and then drive round a corner and there's another one , even nicer.
We've caught up with friends which has been lovely meeting them on their turf. Haggis met his match in the West Highland terrier pup Arthur...big lab chased by wee white ball of fluff! Hilarious.
But in amongst all the beauty, the tranquility our truth was never faraway. And no matter how hard I have tried to live in the here and now our future is now uncertain. Scott has been rediagnosed with cancer and our hearts are heavy with sadness, with fear , with love struggling to cope with an awareness of what is likely ahead.
As soon as we get off this ship in the morning we head straight to hospital to find out what's ahead. As a family we face tough times and I pray for strength to be guided through this .
When I dared to look to look forward it was only ever as far as this Tasmania Trip.
Still living, still loving and absolutely still laughing loud like a kookaburra
X
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)